Groundhog's Day

has got to be the greatest day of the year.

This GH Day marks the 24th year I have been on this earth, and I have gained quite a bit of knowledge on this journey.

Here is a list of 24 landmark events. One for every year in my life.

1986 - 9 months after I was conceived in the bathroom at Coney Island in downtown Grand Island, I was born at St. Francis Hospital, where my father was watching the Bill Murray comedy Caddyshack. I was told it was a sign from God, that I, Cornelius Helie would be born on the day of the Groundhog, and all while a gofer was being michevious on a golf course.

1987 - My parents by this point were sick of me crying when Caddyshack, Stripes, and Little Shop of Horrors was not available on a nearby tv, so they put cartoons on. The cartoon I was soon obsessed with, was The Real Ghostbusters.

1988 - I began to love animals at this age, and in my heart I always felt a connection with Garfield the cat. More to be read on this subject to come.

1989 - Bill Murray stars in the 2nd Ghostbusters film. My life changed. I made my friends and family call me Venkman, and I battled marshmallows in my free time.

1990 - I took a trip to Wrigley Field in Chicago, where I saw Bill Murray sing 'take me out to the ball game.' I had a heart attack that day. (Dad gave me an Old Style and a dog)

1991 - At this point in my childhood I really began becoming a real human being. With emotions, and personality traits. You could say some of these traits were disorders, one being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I began counting my steps, prefferring things in evens over odds, and I would even count the amount of flakes in my fruity pebbles. This may or may not have had something to do with the release of 'What About Bob?'

1992 - In 1992 I became enthralled in sketch comedy, Saturday Night Live became an obsession of mine. I was writing my own sketches and acting them out, like SNL star William Murray.

1993 - Groundhog's Day, starring Bill Murray is released and quickly becomes my favorite movie of all time. My connection to the Murr-man gets stronger, more powerful.

1994 - This was the year I watched Ed Wood. I realized Tim Burton was a shitty director, and prayed B-Murr would stay out of his works from then on. No big deal.

1995 - I dressed as Venkman from Ghostbusters for Halloween. Kids told me I should have went as Stay Puft. I then found out about childhood obesity, and that I had it.

1996 - My love of sports grows as a ten year old. My sport of choice, the one that turns boys in to men, and girls in to men. BOWLING. With the release of the Farrely Brother's 'Kingpin,' my mind was made up, I must be a pro-bowler. HOWEVER, Bowling was pushed to the side, when the love a new sport came about.

Basketball . . . The glory, the balls, the boxing out with my rear end to grab a rebound. I loved the sport, mainly due to the fact that my favorite basketball player ever starred in a film with the Looney Toons. That man is known by one name and one name only, Air Murray. That's right, Bill Murray made Space Jam what is was. He killed in that flick.

1997 - I was 11 year old at this point in my life. Things were getting hectic, with the pressures of being a 4th grader and in Catholic school, always looking over my shoulder for priests . . .

To ease these nerves, I began imitating my hero, Bill Murray as Dr. Hunter S. Thompson in one of the greatest films ever, Where the Buffalo Roam. If it wasn't an ounce of marijuana here and there, it was a 8 ball of coke. If I wasn't eating acid like cheerios, I was hitting mescaline like Mike Tyson beating Peter McNeeley.

Me and my pal Gonzo went on crazy road trips to Vegas, where I shot firearms while drinking heevily.

1998 - Watched Rushmore, featuring The Murr-derer. This film boosted Murrays career, and my love for independant cinema.

1999 - Found a stray dog eating meatballs in an alley. Took it home and named her the Murr-maid. You know Bill Murray was in Meatballs, right? Not, just, a, coincidence.

2000 - My mom took my copy of Charlie's Angels away from me for using it for non-christian things. I was either snorting coke off of it, or using it for stress relief. You decide.

2001 - Perhaps you saw the Royals Tenenbaums? Well I did too.

2002 - Murr-maid gave birth to a litter of puppies. I kept each one. What are their names you ask . . .

Zissou
Garfield
Venky
Raleigh St. Claire
Bosley
Ernie McCracken
Greenskeeper Spackler
Meatball
Dr. Hunter
and Bill Murrphy.

2003 - Had a thing for Scarlett Johansson. It may or may not have had something to do with Bill Murray.

2004 - Bill Murr-buckle lends hs voice to the live-action Garfield movie. This completes my list of things a man must do to beat Christ in a coolness contest.

2005 - Murr-maid died after a long battle with drinking bongwater out of the toilet.

2006 - Tail of Two Kitties. Garfield is back!

2007 - I found out that Bill Murr and I have more in common than I thought when Murray was pulled over by the Stockholm police for suspicion of driving a golf cart while intoxicated.

2008 - It comes to my attention there will be a new Ghostbusters video game. Intense partying begins, as does my weight gain, acne problems, and of course bad luck of female callers.

2009 - Bill Murray makes a dope appearance in Zombieland with Woody Harrelson. Don't let me creep you out with this or anything, but I'm thinking Bill and I found our third . . . if you know what I mean . . .

GOLF, I'm Talking GOLF!!!

SICKOS!

and lastly,

2010 - I just realized my whole life has revolved around being a Bill Murray fan. This is depressing. I might kill myself.

Naw, I just heard there is going to be a Ghostbusters III. Sounds like something to live for.

-Heliewood

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Here's some shit for you guys to watch.