You can catch him on the two hottest radio stations in Central NE: Middays on the Tri Cities Country Leader Y102 and in the afternoons on Nebraska's Best Music, Hits 106 . He loves writing short paragraphs on himself, baseball, overdosing, and drinking Culligan water when hungover.
He enjoys Weezer, Saturday Night Live, and telling people what the hell is up.
Lord knows if I challenged the cast of M*A*S*H to a fight, they would not go taddle me out to their superiors. They would probably just beat me over the head with my bottle of gin and make martinis with it. _________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever been in a bar, harmlessly drinking cement mixer after cement mixer, grabbing girl's asses and firing guns in the air . . . when a ripped, slightly slow, Marine walks up and starts shit with you?
Sure, we have ALL found ourselves in situations where a a military man, whether he be Naval, Army, Air Force, or Marine (never coastgaurd, they're afriad of everything, including water) puts his foot down on something you're doing, and demands you stop, or else!
Or else what, Jarhead? You'll take my freedom of speech away with your douchebag army wand? Or are you going to 'every which way but loose' my ass? Of course you want to fight, you're trained to do so. BUT! If I do decide to fight this angry gentleman, apparently I could get in more trouble than he can, for I would be tampering with government property.
If this is true, and we can be punished for tampering with government property for merely defending ourselves to some high and tight asshole, than I should be able to sue the government for unleashing their weapons amongst citizens. Would it be advisable for the army to let a loaded cannon hangout with a bunch of drunks, I don't think so.
If they're being labeled government property, they should have to stay locked up in the barracks. NOT, allowed where the average citizen drinks, and forgets about how the government is always bringing them down. Or perhaps the government should take some responsibility, and take the blame for the way some people on the military act.
It should be my American right to get the shit beat out of me by a Marine, and receive the same punishment. I should not be treated like I just banged one of the Bush twins on the Whitehouse steps.
With the recent safety alerts dispatched to UNK students involving a sex offender on campus, it brings up the topic of whether or not the right safety concerns are being raised over who is allowed to live on campus. On the University of Nebraska at Kearney’s web page, it reassures parents that their children will be safe, and has a team that cracks down on violence on campus.
It states: As a parent, there is no single more important question to ask during the college search process than, “Will my child be safe?” When you come to visit us, talk to UNK students or their parents and they’ll most likely tell you the reason they chose to come here, above all, is because it felt like a safe, community-centered environment they could call “home”.
Maybe if you ask one of the students now, they could comment on how there was an individual on campus who was a registered sex offender, or how a man in 2005 went hysterical after falling in love with a woman who didn’t share the same feelings and eventually assaulted her and broke a glass door inside of a residence hall. Those students on campus could also mention how there was a man on campus in recent years who raped students, and UNK Police never apprehended.
Certainly these gentlemen had records of some sort that could have been pointed out by UNK officials if they went to that measure. There should be a way to distinguish people with mental instabilities from the other residence to ensure their safety. It would not make sense to outcast these people, but they should not be allowed access to campus late at night. Beefing up campus security would be a positive step in the right direction for the University.
In recent years, the UNK Police have been a laughable force amongst students on campus. They have been regarded as rent-a-cops, party cops, and downright old in some cases. By recently adding more officers to the bunch, the UNK Police seem to be getting their things together. It is just unfortunate that it hadn’t come sooner, to discover the most recent case of a sexual offender on campus Tyler Sedlak. Sedlak was a student who is currently on the Nebraska Sex Offenders List. He was banned from campus for disruptive behavior. His status on the NSOL is a 15 year duration from August 8th, 2008 for being guilty of Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree when he or she subjecting another person to sexual contact without the latter's consent.
Why weren’t students informed of this before he was allowed on campus for over a year. Whether he was a registered student or not, he spent time on campus, and apparently caused disruptive behavior and reportedly creeped people out.
Had there been something done about these sooner, at least one disruption on campus would have been prevented. Keeping unstable people off at campus at night would make the place a little safer, and make parents sleep a little better at night, after all of the unfortunate things that happen.
Sources: University of Nebraska at Kearney Website: www.unk.edu Nebraska Sex Offenders Registry: http://www.nsp.state.ne.us/sor/Subject.cfm?vREGNUM=200808HRK
Claims: * University officials need to work harder at keeping psychologically unstable people off of campus. * By beefing up security, the campus will in turn be safer.
Students should be administered psychological evaluations before being allowed to live on campus.
• 2005 act of violence on UNK campus to young woman. • 2010 man banned from campus, who is also a sexual predator. • UNK Police are worthless. • Is it safe to live near a virgin. • I lived on campus for 2 years . . . • Rapist on campus. Raped some people. • Oh, and UNK police are worthless.
More to come . . .
With the recent warnings sent out to UNK students involving a sex offender on campus, it brings up the topic of whether or not the right safety concerns are being raised over who is allowed to live on campus.
WARNING: I LET MY REDNECK COUSIN WALTER FROM ATLANTA MAKE THIS EXTREMELY RACIST POST. DO NOT DISCREDIT ME, I THINK IT IS HILARIOUS.
Well, hell. We dun screwed up ageen. We gave such a hurrible name to my favorite player John Rocker, that he had to quit baseball just when we needed him most. There used to be this beluv'd record in sports. It was Babe Ruth's home run record and it was tarnished by Barry Bonds.
Barry Bonds has taken more steroids that I've taken cousins to the shed. Heck, I think he's had more shots up the butt than porn star, and his testicles are about as useless as a sheep with a castrating ring on.
Now, I dunno about ya'll, but I don't need no beef jerky eatin', doped out of his mind Barry Bongs being the homer champ. An'it could have been prevented if no one would have been such a prick to John Rocker.
John Rocker spoke his mind, and he didn't like certain races. Now I'm not saying John Rocker could have out pitched Barry Bonds and stopped him from hitting all them home runs. But I am saying that John Rocker, had be stayed in the game longer, could have thrown one fateful baseball, that could have hit Barry Bongs in the face and blinded him for life.
Thus, we would not have to see and asterisk next to his name. Damn you all for casting stones at John Rocker, he could have saved the game.
****************
THANKS FOR YOUR OPINIONS WALTER. TO HELP CLARIFY SOME THINGS ABOVE, AND HOW TRULY RACIST JOHN ROCKER WAS/IS. CHECK OUT THIS QUOTE FROM SPORTS ILLUSTRATED BELOW, WHERE JOHN ROCKER SPEAKS ABOUT NEW YORK.
“It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you’re in Beruit riding next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old Mom with four kids. It’s depressing……The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?”
Students should be administered psychological evaluations before being allowed to live on campus.
• 2005 act of violence on UNK campus to young woman. • 2010 man banned from campus, who is also a sexual predator. • UNK Police are worthless. • Is it safe to live near a virgin. • I lived on campus for 2 years . . . • Rapist on campus. Raped some people. • Oh, and UNK police are worthless.
More to come . . .
With the recent warnings sent out to UNK students involving a sex offender on campus, it brings up the topic of whether or not the right safety concerns are being raised over who is allowed to live on campus.
Sources: University of Nebraska at Kearney Website: www.unk.edu Nebraska Sex Offenders Registry: http://www.nsp.state.ne.us/sor/Subject.cfm?vREGNUM=200808HRK
Claims: * University officials need to work harder at keeping psychologically unstable people off of campus. * By beefing up security, the campus will in turn be safer.
would have to be a deaf girl. A deaf girl would be great as a 3rd player in love games between you and your wife or whatever.
a. She would not be able to talk to you after wards, no pillow talk. Simply turn off the lights, and no one will be able to see her sign language.
b. She won't be able to hear you tell your wife you love her the whole time you are scoring with this hearing impaired woman. To keep the woman you really care for pleased, you can't slip for a second, making her think you're enjoying your trip inside of someone else. Keep telling her you love her, and she will believe it. Don't high five her, you aren't tag-teaming someone with your frat buddy, you're simply adding a little more cowbell to the band.
c. She won't be able to hear you cry after you have your embarrassing orgasm.
So when you and your loved on are scouring around looking for the this Musketeer, keep in mind someone who might not be able to say 'the safety word,' but love you all the same. Someone who is hearing impaired, but sexually sound.
This was from SNL hosted by Ashton Kutcher with Them Cooked Vultures (with Dave Grohl) as musical guest.
Here is what came of it, which is perhaps one of the greatest sketches of all time. Either you need to be in to bands like the Sex Pistols or the Dead Kennedys to really dig it, or just want to get on Ashton Kutcher.
Dave Grohl, if you weren't aware is perhaps one of the most talented musicians on the planet. His drum skills have been featured on albums by Queens of the Stone Age, Tencaious D and was also one of the founding members of Nirvana. After Nirvana ended, Grohl recorded all of the tracks for the Foo Fighters first album.
This was a hoot, a holler, and despite featuring Ashton Kutcher, kicked ass!
Is anyone unclear about where to vote for these Super Bowl blogs? And how to vote? And how our scores are added up for each weekly blog set? I'm getting scores I'm not happy with and I don't understand why . . . I know I've posted at least 3 a week.
Let me know how you guys are doing and what the word is . . .
I was throwing around some names for my man-parts. I guess everyone has one. Here are a few. And yes, my mom reads this.
Super Mario and the Goombas Bret Favre and the Packers Tricky Dick and the Gubernatesticals Fishing Rod and the Bobbers Swing Set Crosby, Stills and Nash A Spike Lee Joint Fred Flintbone and Pebbles Skittles and the Clark Bar The Ringling Brothers Present the Flying Elephant Teddy Rosevelt and the Rough Riders Pooh Bear and his honeycombs Mike Tyson and the knockouts President Lyndon B. Johnson Jorge Posada y Yankees de New York The American Idols
UPDATE: I've decided to stick to the one I've had for years . . .
(Saved by the Bell pink fuzz frames your daydream)
You're 84 years old, and the daughter you have treated like a princess her whole life decides to drop you off in a nursing home in the middle of nowhere.
Your room is about the size of an elevator and the staff only cares about you because they benefit off of the pills you have to take. Luckily for you they blind you from the rest of the world.
It frightens you to wake up where you are with no friends, family or pets. Would it have hurt so bad to let you bring your cat. The only thing you look forward to is walking in to the commons area and having jello with Verna.
It is nice to have lunch with her and watch the Ellen Degeneres Show. But BAM! You become a lesbian. Just like most women in old folks homes.
(back to reality)
DO NOT SEND YOUR PARENTS TO OLD FOLKS HOMES. YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES THAT NOT ONLY DID YOU FORSAKE YOUR PARENT IN TO TORTURE BY TAKING AWAY HER FREEDOM. BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT SHE IS A LESBIAN BECAUSE OF IT. IF SHE WAS AT HOME SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST AS HAPPY WATCHING MATLOCK.
(JUST TO MAKE THINGS CLEAR LESBIAN GRANDMAS ARE NICE. AND IF THAT IS THEIR CHOICE, WURD UP GRANNIES. WURD UP)
(AND LASTLY, LESBIANS ARE TYPICALLY WONDERFUL IN MY BOOK. AND TO MAKE THINGS CLEARER, IF MULLETS DON'T WORK FOR MEN, THEY CERTAINLY DON'T WORK FOR WOMEN. AND THANKS FOR BEING ON OUR CO-ED SOFTBALL TEAMS. STRAIGHT CHICKS ALWAYS HIT IN TO DOUBLES.)
Here's a little ditty about a man named Peyton, and the horses he rode in on, The Indianapolis Colts of Indianapolis.
Lyrics underneath.
My wife moved out, she took the kids. I'm probably never gonna getta see um again I lost it all. Without a trace. Sold the house so I didn't catch bullets to the face.
Why'd ya lose Colts? Why'd ya lose Colts? My bookie's got me by my nuts and bolts. Why ya lose Colts? The Super Bowl Colts? Drive in to the river now I'm engulfed.
Now I'm drownin and I'm gonna die. Run out of Oxygen I'll say goodbye. What is that on the radio? The Magic beat the Celtics I bet on that one too.
Way to go Magic, beatin the Celtics. Gotta get out of the car before it submerges. Way to go Magic, way to go Magic. Now I'm a millionaire and it ain't so tragic.
It goes unchallenged that everyone in the world has their own problems and obstacles they have to overcome to live. And under most circumstances every citizen is protected by constitutional rights. However, when it comes to the security of the general public, perhaps some people’s rights should be limited.
When a criminal is caught, he is charged and serves time or pays a fine. After his release, the whole incident is in the past. It can come up in the future, when trying to apply for work, but that may not be enough, especially for sex offenders. Sex offenders are a different type of criminal. They’re so different from other criminals, that when they are incarcerated the other inmates treat them worse, the red headed step child of correctional facilities all over the United States.
Sex offenders can go unseen like a chameleon amongst the public, and has every right to do so. With that freedom we give them a chance to perhaps commit the same crime, or one similar to it. It is easy to find sex offenders in your area by simply looking in the sex offender database on the internet. But not everyone has the internet at their fingertips, especially in shopping malls, city parks, and sporting events. It is surprising to see parents letting their kids out of their line of sight without deep concern over their children’s well being.
It is unsettling knowing people with a history of convictions for sexual violence are allowed in society. What is more unsettling is that many offenders repeat their actions when released. The Cleveland State University Journal of Law and Health states “sex offenders in general with more than one sex crime arrest were about twice as likely to be rearrested for another sex crime when compared to those with no prior sex crime arrests.”
If more strict limitations were set for violators of sexual abuse, we can control the safety of the general public, and only be worried about the ones who have yet to be caught. Sending them to an uninhabited island would be too easy of an answer, but to label them with a ‘scarlet letter’ would be a little more appropriate. In Ireland government officials are toying with the idea of adding GPS monitoring devices to sex offenders with a high risk of repeating their crimes.
How would we label these ex-cons with out tampering with their civil rights? Well, the only way to do it is to take away some of those civil rights, and replace them with the allowance of not spending life in a correctional facility. This land of the free that we live in works great on many levels, and it is about time we begin making the club a little more exclusive.
Check out the ones near you. I once helped with the capture of a sex offender. Maybe you know one or two. Maybe they're sitting next to you in class, or on the bus.
Jerry is full of crap. The reach of his arms are shorter than mine, so I could probably beat him in a fight. He wears an Expos hat, but probably doesn't realize that they aren't a team anymore. And would probably say he hates the Nationals. Pretty unfair Jerry. Jerry's smug smile makes me want to impregnate his sister. If I had as many roofies as him I would put them in the swimming pool at Harmon Park while a group of Jerrys were swimming, making them all pass out and drown. I would not do what Jerry does, toss them in every sorority girl's drink before she can even tell him what her major is. At least he uses protection, when it is convenient. No one likes Jerry. It is too bad he shares his name with so many great people, Seinfeld, Stiller, Garcia, Ben and, and my Grandpa. Jerry is a douche.
Of porn cameramen not learning the ropes to shooting videos before making low grade films. Why do I have to sit through crumby angles and poor zooms just because the only kind of content I like is outlawed by commercial pornographers.
Is it so bad that a man likes livestock in his dirty movies? And is it so much for a young man to ask that the farmers who shoot and star in their pornos have a friend do the filming? Instead of having shaky, awful shots . . .
To hell with it,
I'm going back to only watching the Muppet Babies when I'm feeling frisky.
This GH Day marks the 24th year I have been on this earth, and I have gained quite a bit of knowledge on this journey.
Here is a list of 24 landmark events. One for every year in my life.
1986 - 9 months after I was conceived in the bathroom at Coney Island in downtown Grand Island, I was born at St. Francis Hospital, where my father was watching the Bill Murray comedy Caddyshack. I was told it was a sign from God, that I, Cornelius Helie would be born on the day of the Groundhog, and all while a gofer was being michevious on a golf course.
1987 - My parents by this point were sick of me crying when Caddyshack, Stripes, and Little Shop of Horrors was not available on a nearby tv, so they put cartoons on. The cartoon I was soon obsessed with, was The Real Ghostbusters.
1988 - I began to love animals at this age, and in my heart I always felt a connection with Garfield the cat. More to be read on this subject to come.
1989 - Bill Murray stars in the 2nd Ghostbusters film. My life changed. I made my friends and family call me Venkman, and I battled marshmallows in my free time.
1990 - I took a trip to Wrigley Field in Chicago, where I saw Bill Murray sing 'take me out to the ball game.' I had a heart attack that day. (Dad gave me an Old Style and a dog)
1991 - At this point in my childhood I really began becoming a real human being. With emotions, and personality traits. You could say some of these traits were disorders, one being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I began counting my steps, prefferring things in evens over odds, and I would even count the amount of flakes in my fruity pebbles. This may or may not have had something to do with the release of 'What About Bob?'
1992 - In 1992 I became enthralled in sketch comedy, Saturday Night Live became an obsession of mine. I was writing my own sketches and acting them out, like SNL star William Murray.
1993 - Groundhog's Day, starring Bill Murray is released and quickly becomes my favorite movie of all time. My connection to the Murr-man gets stronger, more powerful.
1994 - This was the year I watched Ed Wood. I realized Tim Burton was a shitty director, and prayed B-Murr would stay out of his works from then on. No big deal.
1995 - I dressed as Venkman from Ghostbusters for Halloween. Kids told me I should have went as Stay Puft. I then found out about childhood obesity, and that I had it.
1996 - My love of sports grows as a ten year old. My sport of choice, the one that turns boys in to men, and girls in to men. BOWLING. With the release of the Farrely Brother's 'Kingpin,' my mind was made up, I must be a pro-bowler. HOWEVER, Bowling was pushed to the side, when the love a new sport came about.
Basketball . . . The glory, the balls, the boxing out with my rear end to grab a rebound. I loved the sport, mainly due to the fact that my favorite basketball player ever starred in a film with the Looney Toons. That man is known by one name and one name only, Air Murray. That's right, Bill Murray made Space Jam what is was. He killed in that flick.
1997 - I was 11 year old at this point in my life. Things were getting hectic, with the pressures of being a 4th grader and in Catholic school, always looking over my shoulder for priests . . .
To ease these nerves, I began imitating my hero, Bill Murray as Dr. Hunter S. Thompson in one of the greatest films ever, Where the Buffalo Roam. If it wasn't an ounce of marijuana here and there, it was a 8 ball of coke. If I wasn't eating acid like cheerios, I was hitting mescaline like Mike Tyson beating Peter McNeeley.
Me and my pal Gonzo went on crazy road trips to Vegas, where I shot firearms while drinking heevily.
1998 - Watched Rushmore, featuring The Murr-derer. This film boosted Murrays career, and my love for independant cinema.
1999 - Found a stray dog eating meatballs in an alley. Took it home and named her the Murr-maid. You know Bill Murray was in Meatballs, right? Not, just, a, coincidence.
2000 - My mom took my copy of Charlie's Angels away from me for using it for non-christian things. I was either snorting coke off of it, or using it for stress relief. You decide.
2001 - Perhaps you saw the Royals Tenenbaums? Well I did too.
2002 - Murr-maid gave birth to a litter of puppies. I kept each one. What are their names you ask . . .
Zissou Garfield Venky Raleigh St. Claire Bosley Ernie McCracken Greenskeeper Spackler Meatball Dr. Hunter and Bill Murrphy.
2003 - Had a thing for Scarlett Johansson. It may or may not have had something to do with Bill Murray.
2004 - Bill Murr-buckle lends hs voice to the live-action Garfield movie. This completes my list of things a man must do to beat Christ in a coolness contest.
2005 - Murr-maid died after a long battle with drinking bongwater out of the toilet.
2006 - Tail of Two Kitties. Garfield is back!
2007 - I found out that Bill Murr and I have more in common than I thought when Murray was pulled over by the Stockholm police for suspicion of driving a golf cart while intoxicated.
2008 - It comes to my attention there will be a new Ghostbusters video game. Intense partying begins, as does my weight gain, acne problems, and of course bad luck of female callers.
2009 - Bill Murray makes a dope appearance in Zombieland with Woody Harrelson. Don't let me creep you out with this or anything, but I'm thinking Bill and I found our third . . . if you know what I mean . . .
GOLF, I'm Talking GOLF!!!
SICKOS!
and lastly,
2010 - I just realized my whole life has revolved around being a Bill Murray fan. This is depressing. I might kill myself.
Naw, I just heard there is going to be a Ghostbusters III. Sounds like something to live for.
I hope you don't get the wrong idea, I just want to communicate to the world her dirty, vulgar lyrics.
Ever since that one time I was at a dude ranch and beat that dead horse, I decided I would stop beating dead horses.
So I will give one example of how the Album of the Year Grammy winner Ms. Swift put a suggestive lyrics in her song "our song."
Read these lyrics out loud to yourself.
"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car."
This is the first line out of the hit song, and as you can see t implies that she is clearly having sex with a man, in the front seat of his car.
The lyrics continue . . .
put them together and you have a lyric about two people, feeling eachother up and getting busy.
I will now put these lyrics in to terms you may understand better.
"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. He's got a one hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heart.""
translates to
"I was riding your fallic device, with my hair dangling near my shoulders in the front seat of a gentleman's vehicle. One of his hands is placed on the steering wheel, (probably for leverage) the other on my heart (we all know when we tell a girl we want to feel her heart beat, we just want to squeeze her boob).
There it is folks. I know you're saying, "Cornelius, she was riding SHOTGUN. Shotgun means front seat." My response to you is, "yes, shotgun is the term generally associated with the front seat. However, her use of the words 'front seat of his car' negates that shotgun means front seat."
I guess I've still beaten this dead horse, so again, shotgun means penis, front seat of his car means front seat of his car. Taylor Swift is a pervert, and I would love for her to ride shotgun in the front seat of my car.
UPDATE: I forgot to include the actual meaning behind "I grabbed a pen and an old napkin and I wrote down our song." I will let you leave the truth behind that lyric up to you to figure out.
It takes a lot of work to be a cunning-linguist like myself.
