The Gloat Formerly Known as Prince Fielder

So the fattest baseball player since his father played baseball Prince Fielder finally got what he deserved Thursday. No, the 4.4 million cows he has eaten solely by himself have not raised from the dead with the gaggles of pigs, chickens, grizzly bears and babies he's chowed down on either. In fact, the man had a baseball thrown at (and shortly lodged in) his back.

At the conclusion of last season, The Fat Prince of Brew-Air hit a walkoff homerun against the San Fran Giants. After huffing and puffing his way around the bases, he and his teammates engaged in a ridiculous celebration looking like either bowling pins or a line waiting behind Prince to use the restroom at Buffalo Wild Wings. If you aren't aware, just like crying and the Expos, celebration is not really tolerated in baseball. Unless of course you want to be jammed up like an actor on the set of his first gay porn.

For doing so, Giants southpaw pitcher and badass Barry Zito threw a pitch that hit Fielder in the back fat Thursday. An eye for an eye Prince. Will this make him move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air to avoid anymore people making trouble in his neighborhood, or should Fielder cry a river? Seem to me like he took it well, throwing the ball back to Zito.

If you want to act like a kid on the playground, be prepared to get some sweet chin music. I understand what it is like, being the porky one on the team, hoping to do some good instead of just being the kid who only wins races to the snacks after the game. You want to hit big, and show off bigger. And my God, Prince Fielder, really wants his teammates to stop making Purple Rain jokes at his expense.

You're a lucky bastard Prince. Be pleased that Barry Zito and the Giants had warm hearts, in allowing the retaliation of your stupid bragging to be done in Spring Training instead of the regular season when your stats matter. For that you owe them. I couldn't imagine you taking them out to dinner without eating their food before they can touch it. For Christ's sake, it is a buffet, just go get more. And be even more elated, that he barely threw the ball at you.

Prince, I hate when you hit homeruns, and I hate it worse when it is against the Cubs. Your dad and you should both take acai berry pills like Britney Spears, because you're beginning to get as fat as she is.

Love,

The 13-Year Old Cubs Fan in All of Us.