I know it is not easy. EXCEPT IT IS!

Counting change. It is so difficult, right? Do you start with the small bills or the change? Who knows?

I'll tell you who should know, ANYONE WHO TOUCHES MONEY!

This pisses me off so much. I've worked in retail, and as difficult as it may be to count change for some people, it NEEDS to be done. People should take their work more seriously, if you can not do your customers the service of counting their money back to them, then you need to find a new job.

By continuing to try and count change to customers, you will figure out how to do it. Practice makes perfect, and it can't feel good to get all of those looks from people that make you feel like a moron. So please, for everyone's sake, don't make the general population of America look any dumber than we are. COUNT CHANGE!!!!

In 8 Days

Baseball will begin again. I am indeed looking forward to next Sunday when I will get to ring in the new baseball season with the Yankees and Red Sox on opening day. This is going to be tight! Last year I would call a disappointment. I hate the Yankees, but they deserved to win the World Series. It hurts to say but they kicked ass. This year could be different, and every baseball season is like that. Each year can be different.

There hasn't been a back to back WS winner in years. Sure the Red Sox have won a couple, but there hasn't been a repeat champ in a decade. But lets be real, any team could be in the October Classic. I would feel comfortable saying the Kansas City Royals could win, or even the Washington Nationals. And that is great for sports. You can not believe other sports are like that. Because in football, we know the Lions will suck for years, and in basketball the Nets just won't be great. Well, until one of their owners Jay-Z buys Lebron and they kick ass, right after he drops an album.

Either way, it is coming soon. Opening Day 2010. When everyone knows, this will be their teams season. Go Expos!

Suicide

I think suicide is crucial to level out sanity amongst the population. Though selfish and half-baked, suicide could perhaps be the most selfless thing a person could do. I've seen many people die, and many of them were from suicide. As much as it hurts to lose those individuals, it is worse to think they could live on to spread the psychosis they have when they have children. It would be cruel to bring a child in to this earth who would have that problem, maybe share a gene that makes it possibly.

I would never high five a person for taking their own life, and I would be crushed if someone I was close with at this point in my life took their life. And surely someone who reads this has probably lost someone recently, and for that I am sorry. I just happen to look at it a little differently. Of course there are better options then killing yourself, so excercise those.

Network

So there was once this movie, with a pretty sweet cast and interesting story line. It captivated it's audience by getting them emotionally invested in some areas. But somewhere along the lines, they couldn't think of a good ending. So the producers pondered really hard how to make a quality ending. It was not going to be easy, there were 10 different main characters and no way out of this already long script. Then as an easy way out, maybe to save production costs they decided to just kill off the main character (in my opinion).

SPOILERS!!!!!

Network was an interesting tale of a man who wanted high television ratings. At the beginning of the film he says he is going to kill himself, and at the end, he was killed. Maybe I do not know much about screenplay writing, but I know the easiest way to end a movie has to be the worst way to end a movie. I expected a suicide, and I deserved a suicide. At the end of the film when the Network decided to commit the murder, I was positive the suicide would have happened first. Instead, they took the easy road. Just think if the Bible ended with Jesus getting struck by lightening once rather than a trudge through the masses of people with a cross on his back. Pretty weak Network. Maybe let the Coen Brothers do a rewrite.

The Hammer

This movie starring Adam Carolla is perhaps one of the besfilms I've seen in a long time. It is a story about a boxing instructor who takes a shot at the chance of a lifetime.

I'm not going to go and ruin the whole thing for you, so I will just tell you why to peep it. First of all, ADAM CAROLLA IS A HOOT! He brings his A game when it comes to the one liners he has in this flick. Aside from it being one of the best boxing movies I've ever seen ,it also could go punch for punch with any of the hilarious comedies that have come out over the years.

It goes to show that a low budget movie can be done and still turn some heads. With all the hype over special effects and other bullcrap, this movie is plainly and simply a story about a man, a person, just like you and me. It is simple, but a story that should touch anyone.

Man Versus Food

I just came to the conclusion that Adam Richman, host of Travel Channel's Man V. Food should wait til he gets to the office every morning before he takes a crap. Believe me, if your job was to put up to four pounds of random foods including Philly cheeststeaks, massive hamburgers and pretty much any type of Mexican foods; you would be spending large amounts of time on the porcelain recliner. If such a large amount of my day stemmed from eating loads of food I would make sure I was getting reimbursed for the time pooping. Someone should tell Adam this, for he may be able to get back pay for spending time dumping at home.

Don't Get Any Ideas Fellas

I Hope Jay-Z Had a 3-way With These Two

Lady Gaga has done it again. She has made perhaps the sweetest music video I have seen in years. She, Beyonce, and Tyrese Gibbs star in this short film which is over 9 minutes long. It has many little tributes to Michael Jackson's thriller and references to some Quinten Tarantino films. Packed full of lesbian inuendos and a whole lot of naked Gaga. She even takes a stab at the comments floating around about the possibility of her having a dick.

The video has a great filmmaking quality about it. Bright colors and contrasting patterns. Their use of camera angles blew my mind, and they had a very unique style which is a quality I don't see much in music videos. The video has product placement, masturbation, and some killer outfits. At one point Lady Gaga is wearing a pair of sunglasses with cigarettes burning on them. Take a peek, you won't regret watching this dope video.

The Good Life on Film//// Final Collumn

How is it that we refer to this state? Oh yes, the good life. Nebraska certainly is the good life, we have high speed internet, access to hallucinogens, and of course we are responsible for Dick Cheney. Our fine state produced the delicious McRib and also started Arbor Day. However, if your only knowledge of Nebraska comes from watching movies, you’ll likely want to stay as far away as possible.

Cinema has not been Nebraska’s best friend. In fact, it makes us either seem like cross-dressers, wolves or little blonde children lurking around in fields. To set the record straight, some of the events in movies that take place in Cornhusker State are indeed true stories. One of which, Night of the Twisters stars Devon Sawa as a teenager involved in the devastating tornadoes that touched down in Grand Island over 25 years ago.




Unfortunately the film that hurts us the most is a true story, involving Brandon Teena, a transgender portrayed by Hillary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry, a movie chronicling the time frame before and leading up to her being sexually assaulted and killed by her friends. Though the incident was headline news for a long time, it still set Nebraska back about 50 years.




If you found that crazy, here are some of the not so real murderous stories set in Nebraska. Children of the Corn was based on Stephen King’s novella and featured little blonde children who are in a cult in the town of Gatlin NE, where they are told by a supernatural force in the cornfields that they should kill the adults. A bickering couple drives through Gatlin to report a murder, when they find themselves in the midst of a religious rebellion. Pretty creepy, huh? We’ve yet to touch base on strange, the children of the corn are puppets next to this Nebraskan.



In the special effects driven Teen Wolf, the always charming Michael J. Fox stars as Scott Howard, a normal guy whose popularity and basketball skills drastically change as he discovers his family’s secret, they’re werewolves. Scott and his sidekick and nutty cousin Stiles market his Teen Wolf-iness and get wild on top of the family’s utility vehicle. It is absolutely true that Nebraskans love to jump on bandwagons. No one loved the Rockies more in the 2007 World Series than us and I bet no other state spent more money on United States flag items than Nebraskans, so I would agree that people in this state would buy loads of Teen Wolf gear.



There are sleepers when it comes to films around here. In one of Alexander Payne’s many Nebraska movies Election it features Omaha’s Chris Klein and Matthew Broderick in a tie for two of the most awkward sex scenes ever. It is a great flick, no doubt about it. In another he exposes Kathy Bates in one of the greatest ways I have seen her, and no not as the Unsinkable Molly Brown in Titanic. You may find it strange, but I must be honest, there is something strangely sexy about seeing Kathy Bates get down to her birthday suit in About Schmidt. Alexander Payne, you are a great Nebraskan.






Perhaps the state of Nebraska should stay out of film altogether. Iowa learned its lesson with Field of Dreams and hasn’t made a film yet. Lord knows they don’t want people to think there are voices telling you to do crazy things in their cornfields. Perhaps it’s best we leave it up to Hollywood. We’ll stock up on hallucinogens, put our Dorothy Lynch on our salads, and maybe go on a hunting adventure with Dick Cheney. Sounds like the Good Life. Sounds like a screenplay . . .

Rough.

How is it that we refer to this state? Oh yes, the good life. Nebraska certainly is the good life, we have high speed internet, access to hallucinogens, and of course we are responsible for Dick Cheney. Our fine state produced the delicious McRib and also started Arbor Day. However, if your only knowledge of Nebraska comes from watching movies, you’ll likely want to stay as far away as possible.

Cory of the Year

One less. That is right. Out of the hundreds of assholes who gave 'Corys' of the world a bad name has died. There have only been about two people I've met named Corey have been tolerable people and I've never met someone who spelled their name the way I do who has not been a complete asshole.

Now that Corey Haim has died, there is just one less person giving me a bad name. His drug abuse and terrible films have given him a recognizable name in the world as long as hanging out with the mildly respectable Corey Feldman. He was really nothing but Robin to the Batman.

It is really unfortunate that the only famous Coreys who weren't total douchebags either played a one-eared lunatic or sang a song about Sunglasses at Night. Alright, Corey Hart was a badass.

I'm not pleased the star of License to Drive is dead. I wouldt steal a car to bang Heather Graham as well. I just wish he would have changed his name to something like Rex or the name of his roommate in his frat house. Corey Haim will now be forever remembered as the Corey who died with prescription pills nearby with his mom in the room. And for that, I'm glad I'll be the Cory who died during an wing eating contest with Barry Bonds and Prince Fielder's fat asses.


(If you haven't seen License to Drive, this trailer will suffice. It explais thewhole story)

No More Garciaparra

He had the quickest wrists in baseball, had the hottest wife in soccer, and hit a home run in his first at bat in the Major Leagues. Nomar Garciaparra was a sports icon for many people and now he is retiring from the sport. He was deemed the toughest out in baseball at a young age, and went on to achieve some of the greatest accomplishments in the sport. Lucky for those of us who could never get enough Nomar, he will be an analyst for the ESPN show Baseball Tonight.

New Study on Baby Suckling Reflex

A new study has been done on the suckling reflex formerly known for giving babies the ability to suck milk from their mothers breasts. Though it's former definition is a helpful tool, studies show the suckling reflex was indeed inherited for people to inhale plant matter.

While it is a necessity for a baby to receive milk, it seems to be much more important that people are able to smoke marijuana. So screw the scholars, I've found my own research out.

My Dream Orgy

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

The Gloat Formerly Known as Prince Fielder

So the fattest baseball player since his father played baseball Prince Fielder finally got what he deserved Thursday. No, the 4.4 million cows he has eaten solely by himself have not raised from the dead with the gaggles of pigs, chickens, grizzly bears and babies he's chowed down on either. In fact, the man had a baseball thrown at (and shortly lodged in) his back.

At the conclusion of last season, The Fat Prince of Brew-Air hit a walkoff homerun against the San Fran Giants. After huffing and puffing his way around the bases, he and his teammates engaged in a ridiculous celebration looking like either bowling pins or a line waiting behind Prince to use the restroom at Buffalo Wild Wings. If you aren't aware, just like crying and the Expos, celebration is not really tolerated in baseball. Unless of course you want to be jammed up like an actor on the set of his first gay porn.

For doing so, Giants southpaw pitcher and badass Barry Zito threw a pitch that hit Fielder in the back fat Thursday. An eye for an eye Prince. Will this make him move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air to avoid anymore people making trouble in his neighborhood, or should Fielder cry a river? Seem to me like he took it well, throwing the ball back to Zito.

If you want to act like a kid on the playground, be prepared to get some sweet chin music. I understand what it is like, being the porky one on the team, hoping to do some good instead of just being the kid who only wins races to the snacks after the game. You want to hit big, and show off bigger. And my God, Prince Fielder, really wants his teammates to stop making Purple Rain jokes at his expense.

You're a lucky bastard Prince. Be pleased that Barry Zito and the Giants had warm hearts, in allowing the retaliation of your stupid bragging to be done in Spring Training instead of the regular season when your stats matter. For that you owe them. I couldn't imagine you taking them out to dinner without eating their food before they can touch it. For Christ's sake, it is a buffet, just go get more. And be even more elated, that he barely threw the ball at you.

Prince, I hate when you hit homeruns, and I hate it worse when it is against the Cubs. Your dad and you should both take acai berry pills like Britney Spears, because you're beginning to get as fat as she is.

Love,

The 13-Year Old Cubs Fan in All of Us.

El Scorcho

(This blog was made after I read Hope's blog about her mouse)

I had a scorpion once, and I went to the pet store to buy it a mouse to eat in front of me. I was stoked, I was about to see some real gruesome stuff.

So at the pet store register, I looked in the paper bag holding El Scorcho's lunch, and I see the cute white and pink mouse inside. And I tell the girl at the counter to put it back, I couldn't let this happen.

She was pissed, and told me I had to do it myself. So I went upstairs to where they kept the mice, awfully close to the snake cages, and let all of the mice out and closed the door.

I walked out happy that I saved the little guy. However I wish I would have seen the face of that counter girl when she opened the door to the mice and snake cages, because all them mice would have just flooded the store.

I've decided to make this a blog, thank you Hope.

Cory and Danielle

Cory: Hey, Chad Ochocinco is going to be on Dancing With the Stars.

Danielle: Oh, that's funny.

Cory: Sports stars boost ratings so dudes are more willing to watch that shit.

Danielle: So you want to watch this?

Cory: God no. Kate Gosselin is on that shit.

Danielle: Who is Kate Gosselin? Was she in The Notebook?

Cory: No, that was Ryan Gosling.

Watch this if you've made your mind up on health care reform

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Keith Olberman tells one of the most difficult stories a son could tell here, in this segment on his show. Whether you have made up your mind on the health care reform or not, you should peep this video and just see things through someone else's eyes.

I guess being an uninsured adult makes me worry . . . But I get insurance soon, so that's pretty dope.

Watching Lebron James Play Ball . . .

is like watching Ron Jeremy give it to a group of five women at once, while four other dudes look on.

It is amazing to see him penetrate the hole the way he does. Jamming it in the faces of the starstruck defenders.

As he chases down fast break, stuffing the opponent like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Seeing Lebron James play ball is like watching Ron Jeremy do a little hardwood action, fo sho!