Eight Dollars Can Get You In To More Than Just The Box Office (final draft)

I've had my share of adventurous sexual experiences. Some uncoordinated, one in a baseball dugout, and one in fact many wouldn't even call sex, because the girl didn't realize what had happened. But the one crazy place I've always wanted to get down to business would have to be the same place I saw my first naked lady. Not my parent’s bedroom, the place where the likes of Pee Wee Herman has spread his seed, the Cinema.
It began at a young age; my dad took me to see a movie that would forever impact me, Doc Hollywood. The year was ‘91 and I loved Michael J. Fox films, roughly 16 minutes in to this small town hospital comedy, Julie Warner’s character got naked. And at age five I decided I wanted to have intercourse with a girl in a theatre. It wasn’t instantly that I would have the charm it takes to convince a girl to sleep with me. After I struck out with the “hole in the bottom of the popcorn” trick, I decided to try something else, I figured the best way to get action at the cinema was to take a girl to a foreign language film.
There I was sitting next to one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever shared Twizzlers with. Her hair was blonde, her legs were long and her reputation was tarnished, so I was sure this was going to happen. Unfortunately as I slipped my hand up her thigh, the main character was being beaten to the ground, and on a long walk to his crucifixion; my date dropped to her knees and began to sob. Needless to say, she and I never went on another date. However she is born again and I learned an important lesson; do not take a date to see The Passion of the Christ.
After my last attempt, I gave it a rest until I was older. We had both been drinking that evening and the plan was working like a charm. She was full of shellfish and Mike’s Lemonade, both well known aphrodisiacs, and her two favorite actors happened to be in this particular flick. And then a blessing from God, the theatre was completely empty.
In contrast to past advances I had made, she was all over me. Chocolate covered pretzels were in “places” and my feet stuck to the soda stained floor as I shimmied my Dickies to the ground. It was not long in to the movie when we pulled the “one pant leg on, on pant leg off trick” like we were trying to get it on in our parent’s living room. I was about to do the wild thing in front of the big screen, but that was not what fate had in mind; fate felt like my libido needed an intermission.
It turns out the movie I agreed to see with was no normal movie. Right as I was about to butter her popcorn, the movie took its own sexual twist, which couldn’t help but interrupt what I had in mind. We looked up togetherThe Box Office star Heath Ledger spit on his hand, and began making love to Bubble Boy star Jake Gyllenhaal.
Is it a curse? My dreams have me getting lucky in front of people like Sly Stallone and Ed Murphy, when chances are I will never succeed. I must accept my destiny of being one of those men who tried to accomplish greatness, but fell short. Like Karl Malone, I came close and could not seal the deal. Don’t worry movie fans, I won’t be retiring my jersey just yet, there’s a whole fresh batch of summer movies on the way and this guys ready for action.