Meagan Fux

This will be my final post as a student in a blogging class.

I've been wanting to hit on this topic since I started blogging but never found the time to do it. So here you are!

Here is a list of 20 women I would rather bang than Meagan Fox.

1. Jessica Beil's little sister from 7th Heaven. Oh, Lucy. If only you were.
2. The woman Mike Tyson victimized. Show her how a real man gets down.
3. My 1st girlfriend's mom.
3.5 My 11th grade Health teacher. She was also my first girlfriend's mom.
4. A Real life Transofrmer. Probably Jazz, RIP.
5. Jerry's girlfriend.
6. Kathy Bates.Her nude scene in About Schmidt still gets me.
7. Jessica Rabbit. Kathleen Turner's voice, and buoyant breasts.
8. Christopher Reeves' wife. Why? Why not?
9. Grover Cleveland's daughter, "Baby Ruth"
10. An actual Baby Ruth candy bar
11. The beer cart girl at the golf course. What can I say, she doesn't laugh when I mulligan, and she gives me free Michelob.
12. Shia LaBeouf. But Cory, that's a guy. Maybe he is. But he's still Ren Steven's brother.
13. My mom's half-sister. HALF-sister. It is only half illegal.
14. Jackie Onassis.
15. The lady that does my girlfriend's nails. Because she always convinces my girlfriend to get chinese food for lunch.
16. The Olsen Twins. Mainly because I've always wanted to have a 3-way. With a lot of cocaine involved.
17. The chick from M*A*S*H. Margaret Houlihan.
18. The St. Louis Cardinals, for constantly screwing the Chicago Cubs.
19.Janet Jackson. Not now, but when she was on Diff'rent Strokes.
20. My child psychologist. She knows all my secrets.

There's the list, in no specific order, of people I would rather get it on with in Meagan Fox's place.

Why Listen?

College radio is one of the best resources for any music fan. You can sit back, and listen to ANY song in the world. For there are no restrictions on non-profit radio. You can smoke drugs, and laugh as the bumbling dj's try to convince you to watch the new Will Ferrel movie, even though by "new" they mean it isn't Anchorman.

The possibilities are endless, as college stations can do about anything they want. In a community like Kearney, college radio could be very big. By getting the community behind their efforts, there is a good chance that KLPR could be a real competitor.

To anyone trying to get in to radio, please try to make the college station survive, and soar above all other college stations. You have the power!

The Sad Story of Jack

NFL DRAFT

If anyone has seen the ongoing NFL Draft you would know the big news . . .

No, not that Suh was drafted 2nd, or that Tebow will be a Bronco. The big news is that there will be a Coors Light Home Draft. That's right, you can buy draft Coors Light to put in your fridge, that will last up to 30 days.

Considering I do not believe that it will last 30 days, I still think that up to 4 days is long enough for me to drink it, which makes it outstanding. This is the kind of invention that makes me look forward to growing older.

I'm going to be able to have a Coors draft after hours. It will change my life. I can begin planning my schedules around when I can drink. The world has become a better place and I am pleased.

On a side note, a random fraternity member at a bar told me, " The NFL Draft would be more interesting if Dane Cook was the NFL commish." I knew he was in a frat because it was how he introduced himself.

Crack Me Up

So this morning I'm sitting, watching my favorite ESPN show First Take, and this happens. Right when he said 'fucker' it did not register for a few seconds until he said shit, on live tv! How does this kind of thing happen? Get your delays right ESPN.

Are You Yanking Me, You're Yanking Me

Take a look at this. Kevin Garnett, one of my favorite members of the Boston Celtics was suspended one game for an elbow. Quentin Richardson is the one who should be suspended, for being a playground bitch.

As you can see, right as the spectacle begins, Richardson oh so gently touches Garnett on his cheek. Garnett should have curb stomped him for touching him on the face. I'm not sure if he thought Garnett was cute, and was trying to seduce him, or if he was that kid in grade school who had too touch everyone as he walked past him. I hated that damn kid in grade school. I think most men would agree, you don't touch a man's face like that. For that, Quentin Richardson is a playground bitch.

CARRY A MAGIC STICK (FINAL)

Through countless history books and rap tapes I stole from the vinyl store, I’ve learned that some of hip hop’s Warren G. Hardest rappers and this country’s most gubernatorious presidents share more than just the soil they walk on.
Barack Obama is like Eminem because of the color issues, Richard Nixon (who once said rap music could have been his calling if it was introduced sooner) is like gansgta rapper DMX for having growly voices, Snoop Doog and Abe Lincoln are both lanky individuals and Tupac is much like John F. Kennedy, not for getting gunned down so early in their lives, but because of the many women that they slept with.

However the greatest resemblance between a president and rapper is the striking similarities between rapper 50 Cent and the 26th president of the United States Theodore Roosevelt. Both born in New York, these two gentlemen took up boxing. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson spent time sparring when not selling crack on the strip in Queens, while President Roosevelt took up boxing to keep his physical condition in good shape while battling with childhood asthma and other ailments.

Both Roosevelt and 50 Cent have posses who have received a bit of fame for being associated with them. Theodore’s Rough Riders charged up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill during the Spanish American War, and Jackson’s G-Unit is a group of mix tape recording masters who sold drugs and started feuds with other rappers.
Both mentored individuals who burned bridges with them. 50's G-Unit buddy The Game wouldn't agree to feuding with 50 Cents enemies, and Howard Taft and Roosevelt had a falling out which led Roosevelt to begin the Bull Moose Party. Both Roosevelt and Jackson also have similar nicknames. Theodore Roosevelt has often times been referred to as “Teddy,” and 50 Cent has the moniker of “Fitty.”

The most painful and unique similarity between two of the greatest New Yorkers is the gunfire they have both been a part of. In 2004, Mike Tyson’s body guard, Darryl Baum allegedly shot Fitty nine times in different places all over his body at close range in front of his grandmother’s home. One of the bullets hit Jackson in the cheek, causing him to have a slur in his voice, which ended becoming his trademark.

Roosevelt had a similar situation happen to him while campaigning in Milwaukee in 1912; a saloon keeper shot the Teddy Bear in his chest after it passed through his speech copy and eye glass holder. Rather than getting medical attention for his wound, President Roosevelt went on to give the speech he had prepared, with a hole through his speech, and lodged in his chest. He opened his speech by saying “Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.” Roosevelt lived the rest of his life with that bullet lodged in his chest while 50 Cent also has fragments of one of the bullets in his tongue, a bond that the two of them both share.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that 50 Cent would be a great politician, or that Theo could sling crack. But they are both incredibly strong individuals whose characteristics gained them fame and respect. Teddy Roosevelt coined a term that is synonymous with his ideals, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” refers to treating conflict with peace, while simultaneously threatening with force. 50 believes in the use of a stick too, in his song Magic Stick, which was a chart topper. Put the two ideas together and you get a phrase this country can run on, “Speak softly and carry a magic stick.”

Not Don Henley's Boys of Summer

Whether you're eating them at a hot dog stand, hot off your grill, or at your favorite baseball park, hot dogs are synonymous with summer fun. I may seem like a piggy, or a freak, but I have probably already eaten 25 hot dogs since the end of March, and I don't think I'm going to be quitting any time soon. I'm not quite sure of the health risks, and quite frankly I don't care.

On Opening Day of baseball I picked out the player I thought would hit the most home runs. Though I absolutely hate the Cardinals, I chose Albert Pujols. I've decided that everytime Albert Pujols hits one over the fence, i would eat a hot dog.

That day, Albert hit two home runs, and i ate two frankfurters hot off my grill. Delicious. This delicious oath I have made to baseball is definately something i look forward to. Now I am forced to snack on hot dogs regularly, and am thrilled. So folks, get your foam fingers and Coors light ready, because the real Boys of Summer are back, and they're weenies.

Please, don't make any drastic decisions . . .

Call the National Suicide Hotline today, 1-800-CREED-SUCKS

Do me a favor

A old friend of mine just began his first blog. If you would follow him or at least check it out that would be cool. http://jockstersjibber.blogspot.com

Need an Easier Route

I have updated my blog address to www.heliewood.tk

My Mom

Reads my blog. Why? Because she's loved hearing me talk shit and speak out of my ass for years. She read a blog I wrote about how she used to annoy me when she would answer the phone and talk loud as hell while the rest of us in the room were trying to listen to something more interesting than her talk to her her friends about whose bed whose boots have been under.

Then she demanded I mention some nice things about her, so my "followers" don't think she is a lunatic. So to adhere to her (and somehow make her seem more sane, which by this very articles purpose makes her seem Mary Todd Lincoln crazy. So here we go, some nice things about the mother of the foul-mouthed Cory Helie.

She once bought me a Doctor's Kit when I was a kid. Though it had to be painfully obvious I would never be a doctor. That would be like buying a little girl a United States President Kit. There's just not a lot of point to it.

She paid for years and years of Catholic school for my brothers and I. By doing this, she really sent me to a school to teach me how to argue against religion and drive people crazy. Either way you see it, the Bible is something I learned whether for good or bad. And thanks to her sending me there, I have made Theology teachers cry and can beat about anyone's ass in Bible trivia.

Though this list could go on for pages, I will leave you with one more example, because after all this is the weekend and I could use the break. My mother has this understanding quality which not many mothers probably have. Most parents would say that no matter what their kids say or do they will love them. However, a lot of disturbing things have come out of my mouth in front of my mom, and it has to be a pretty cool thing when you can say "rug muncher" in front of your mom.

I know you're supposed to respect your mother and father, and in ways repay them for raising you the right way. Well, one way I repay my parents is by honoring them in a way many don't. The Bible says honor your mother and father. Well, there's no better way of honoring them than to make them a friend. For friends are the people in life you choose, and family are the people you hope still love you when your Principal tells them . . .

Do you know Cory asked his religion teacher "if Jesus had low self-esteem would he be an atheist for not believing in himself?"

M. Nuff is M. Nuff

I have had it. I have had it up to here. I have had it up to here with M. Night Shyamalan movies. This morning I got tricked in to watching one of his movies, The Happening. I see one of my favorite actors, Mark Wahlberg, and his co-star Zoey Deschanel and a plot line involving a bunch of people killing themselves. Sounds cool enough, sure it does.

But Shyamalan couldn't write a good movie ending to save his life. His movies are very climactic typically, until the ending rolls around and ruins it all.

SPOILERS!!!

The movie ends when an old lady dying, and the world is good again. Kind of.

M. Night needs to get out of the film business, his business would best be in books. His movie endings are always the same and ruin the rest of the film. Things slowly fizzle and the credits roll. And I HATE IT!!!

He is the worst! Go back to Mexico!

Pet Peeve

So I was sitting on my couch watching Major League starring Charlie Sheen, when my girlfriend's phone rings. She takes the call. I continue watching Rick "Wild Thing" Vauhgn 'strike this motherfucker out' when her conversation got louder and louder.

As a Tiger Woods commercial came on and my attention swerved (he makes me so sick, he's a cheater) I began remembering how my mother used to always take calls in front of others in our family room and how she could bring walls down with her loud conversations.

She never quite understood how much that pissed me off. I always found it kind of rude that someone could make what they were saying overtake an entire population of people in the room. Whether it was just the two of us or the whole Helie crew (me and her seven other sons and dad).

My senses hit me when the sound barrior broke at the pitch of Danielle's conversation. The anger could have turned me green and hulk-like, until she politely asked "am I being too loud? I could go in the other room." I politely replied "yes please, that would be great."

Situation diffused.

How lucky am I? A problem arose and took care of itself. Just like Jake Taylor, she sacrifice bunted. It all worked out, even though I did nothing to solve the problem. Is major league kind of a metaphor for a relationship? Or was i just being a tool about people overpowering the room. Let's go with Major League being a metaphor here.

Sometimes your your relationship gets in to a pinch. Whether it is a World Series size problem or Minor League skirmish, dissecting the problem and taking action will in turn take your team to the big show. So beware folks, pay close attention to the little things with your partner and improve upon things as neccessary, your relationship will be much more fulfilling.

Author's Note: Anything in parenthesis is a bold lie. Tiger Woods is the man and I only have two brothers.

Eight Dollars Can Get You In To More Than Just The Box Office (final draft)

I've had my share of adventurous sexual experiences. Some uncoordinated, one in a baseball dugout, and one in fact many wouldn't even call sex, because the girl didn't realize what had happened. But the one crazy place I've always wanted to get down to business would have to be the same place I saw my first naked lady. Not my parent’s bedroom, the place where the likes of Pee Wee Herman has spread his seed, the Cinema.
It began at a young age; my dad took me to see a movie that would forever impact me, Doc Hollywood. The year was ‘91 and I loved Michael J. Fox films, roughly 16 minutes in to this small town hospital comedy, Julie Warner’s character got naked. And at age five I decided I wanted to have intercourse with a girl in a theatre. It wasn’t instantly that I would have the charm it takes to convince a girl to sleep with me. After I struck out with the “hole in the bottom of the popcorn” trick, I decided to try something else, I figured the best way to get action at the cinema was to take a girl to a foreign language film.
There I was sitting next to one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever shared Twizzlers with. Her hair was blonde, her legs were long and her reputation was tarnished, so I was sure this was going to happen. Unfortunately as I slipped my hand up her thigh, the main character was being beaten to the ground, and on a long walk to his crucifixion; my date dropped to her knees and began to sob. Needless to say, she and I never went on another date. However she is born again and I learned an important lesson; do not take a date to see The Passion of the Christ.
After my last attempt, I gave it a rest until I was older. We had both been drinking that evening and the plan was working like a charm. She was full of shellfish and Mike’s Lemonade, both well known aphrodisiacs, and her two favorite actors happened to be in this particular flick. And then a blessing from God, the theatre was completely empty.
In contrast to past advances I had made, she was all over me. Chocolate covered pretzels were in “places” and my feet stuck to the soda stained floor as I shimmied my Dickies to the ground. It was not long in to the movie when we pulled the “one pant leg on, on pant leg off trick” like we were trying to get it on in our parent’s living room. I was about to do the wild thing in front of the big screen, but that was not what fate had in mind; fate felt like my libido needed an intermission.
It turns out the movie I agreed to see with was no normal movie. Right as I was about to butter her popcorn, the movie took its own sexual twist, which couldn’t help but interrupt what I had in mind. We looked up togetherThe Box Office star Heath Ledger spit on his hand, and began making love to Bubble Boy star Jake Gyllenhaal.
Is it a curse? My dreams have me getting lucky in front of people like Sly Stallone and Ed Murphy, when chances are I will never succeed. I must accept my destiny of being one of those men who tried to accomplish greatness, but fell short. Like Karl Malone, I came close and could not seal the deal. Don’t worry movie fans, I won’t be retiring my jersey just yet, there’s a whole fresh batch of summer movies on the way and this guys ready for action.

Easter

A big holiday is coming Sunday that I want everyone to celebrate with their hearts full and their families close by. It isn't everyday that you get to see children smile, with high hopes and aspirations. This Sunday a new leaf gets turned and resurrection occurs. My prayers will go up to God before I lay my head to sle...ep Saturday Night. For Sunday is a day of celebration. Opening Day: Red Sox v Yankees. Praise God.