Sandpaper Condoms: Final Draft

I may not be a law abiding citizen, but I've never been caught committing a prison-worthy crime. This means I have earned my right to watch cable television and work out anytime I want.

If prison is a place where we send people who deserve punishment, why do we allow them to work out and watch cable TV? I have to work 6 days a week to afford the luxury of cable, and if the taxpayers are cool with dropping money for prisoners to watch the Gosselins, then I think the rest of the public should get cable too.

In Oklahoma, over $28,000 is spent yearly on allowing cable in the common's area in their 17 prisons. Though the money is funded through their convenience store items, it is still money that could and should be given back to the taxpayers.

There's nothing I love doing more than working on my physical appearance, as you can tell. But believe it or not, if I had easier access to work out equipment maybe I would be able to run a little faster and jump a little higher, which would be nice. Instead I'm stuck trying to burn calories the old fashioned way, unprotected sex.

And don't even get me started on the luxuries inmates get with sexual intercourse. If they get all these freedoms and sex to boot, where is the justice? The only sex that should be allowed in prison is unwanted sex, involving Maude reruns and sandpaper condoms.

All we are doing is preparing the average criminal to get out of prison, beat all of us on Jeopardy because of the knowledge they get from television, and take our spots on basketball rosters from hooping it up all day. It is like we are giving them the necessities they will need to get better at crime and more physically powerful by allowing them to spend countless hours working out, IN THE SHADE OF ALL PLACES. Do you want your criminals pumping iron, working on hand eye coordination, and preparing themselves to hit the streets harder?

Is cruel and unusual punishment spending a large amount of time in jail? Or is it being on the outside, nonathletic, with a horrible sense of pointless trivia, and without the comfort of guaranteed shower sex. I just don't think I can handle life on the outside. Like Brooks in Shawshank, I question my place here on this earth.