Sandpaper Condoms: Final Draft

I may not be a law abiding citizen, but I've never been caught committing a prison-worthy crime. This means I have earned my right to watch cable television and work out anytime I want.

If prison is a place where we send people who deserve punishment, why do we allow them to work out and watch cable TV? I have to work 6 days a week to afford the luxury of cable, and if the taxpayers are cool with dropping money for prisoners to watch the Gosselins, then I think the rest of the public should get cable too.

In Oklahoma, over $28,000 is spent yearly on allowing cable in the common's area in their 17 prisons. Though the money is funded through their convenience store items, it is still money that could and should be given back to the taxpayers.

There's nothing I love doing more than working on my physical appearance, as you can tell. But believe it or not, if I had easier access to work out equipment maybe I would be able to run a little faster and jump a little higher, which would be nice. Instead I'm stuck trying to burn calories the old fashioned way, unprotected sex.

And don't even get me started on the luxuries inmates get with sexual intercourse. If they get all these freedoms and sex to boot, where is the justice? The only sex that should be allowed in prison is unwanted sex, involving Maude reruns and sandpaper condoms.

All we are doing is preparing the average criminal to get out of prison, beat all of us on Jeopardy because of the knowledge they get from television, and take our spots on basketball rosters from hooping it up all day. It is like we are giving them the necessities they will need to get better at crime and more physically powerful by allowing them to spend countless hours working out, IN THE SHADE OF ALL PLACES. Do you want your criminals pumping iron, working on hand eye coordination, and preparing themselves to hit the streets harder?

Is cruel and unusual punishment spending a large amount of time in jail? Or is it being on the outside, nonathletic, with a horrible sense of pointless trivia, and without the comfort of guaranteed shower sex. I just don't think I can handle life on the outside. Like Brooks in Shawshank, I question my place here on this earth.

Kevin Costner Roams the Floors . . .

of Copeland Hall. Have you ever noticed this picture on the first floor of Copeland Hall? It looks suspiciously like Hollywood actor Kevin Costner.

I'm sure there is an explanation to who this gentleman really is. However, finding this out would mean I must do research, and it could very well not actually be Kevin Costner. If it is not a picture of him, and a picture of Randall P. Copeland I will be pissed, so even thinking about finding the real identity is out of the question for me.

Hanging out under the picture of the star from Waterworld is all I have to look forward to when I'm in school. I wonder sometimes if he's somewhere in a place of higher education staring at a picture of me.

If you know the truth, please keep it to yourself. Continue letting me think it is Kevin "Crash Davis" Costner, and bug off.

(un)Undone.

After going through perhaps one of the most difficult times in their great careers, the members of the band Weezer are hitting the road again. In November a bus crash left frontman Rivers Coumo in a rough spot, having to cancel two months worth of shows.

This is especially exciting for me, being a HUGE Weezer fan. I caught their show in Denver in September, and seeing them live would have to be one of the best experiences of my life. Stealing the show probably wasn't what they had planned to do when they opened for Blink 182, but it was exactly what they did.

The return of Weezer on the road will only help sales of their seventh studio album entitled "Raditude." In the album Weezer collaborates with such artists as Lil' Wayne, The All-American Rejects, Jermaine Dupri, and Kenny G. You may pick up Raditude and the Weezer Snuggie at their website www.weezer.com. In honor of this wonderful news, I have posted below some of my favorite Weezer work. Enjoy, and remember . . .

It's not easy being Weez.

Facebook

This is a little clip I took off facebook. I will continue to find humorous things to look at from this ridiculous website.

-Love, Cornelius.

Going Conan-do

The following video is the last segment ever, on one of the greatest shows on television . . . EVER.



Last week we saw the end to what many believe was an all too short run for Conan O'Brien on the NBC Tonight Show. There has been worlds of talk about how this situation was handled, and it really is too bad the way things went down. But the real problem here is what all of us CONE-heads are going to do for seven more months without Conan. Last year, he had a short break while setting up his move to Los Angeles, and it was all to long.

Dammit, I thought that was going to be my last Conan gap for a long time. Late Night television is my favorite thing to watch and now I'm stuck with Jay Leno back in the bunch. Fortunately, with the exception of Carson Daly, evening programming is amazing. Although Leno was a great stand up comedian, his skills at hosting a humorous show have dwindled as the years have passed. If I had to guess why he had good ratings in recent years it is because of the geriatrics who watch his show don't watch it on the internet, like the thousands who regularly watch Conan, Jimmy Fallon, and Jimmy Kimmel.

Fallon, who took over Late Night last year will be NBC's big man soon, as he is hilariously funny, charming, and has great rapport with people in the industry as well as viewers. It will only be a matter of time until NBC figures out that Leno is over the hill, and they will be frantically searching for a shovel to dig themselves out of the hole.

As for the other night time talk show hosts such as the funny Scottsman Craig Fergusen, the legendary David Letterman, and portly humorist Jimmy Kimmel, be prepared to carry the weight that the Leno show will surely drop. Hell, maybe I should try to make my Night Time debut. That's is, I'm heading to H O L L Y W . . . OOOOOH, a delicious ring pop!

Lady Gaga Shot in the Head . . .

. . . in this dream I had last night. I watched this video of her on the show MTV Boiling points and it must have lingered in my head when I fell asleep. Check the video out yourself.






This clip is proof that she is not the strange bird everyone thinks she is. She's just a normal good looking girl who just wants some good service.I think it is kind of a relief that she is not as odd as she says. I'm sure it will upset all of the girls and guys who are bat shit crazy about her, however, it needs to be known, that Lady Gaga is just the product of a record company who wanted a new star, so they created one.

Record Exec. - "So, Lady Gaga. You want to be a pop superstar? We'll start by you going on this MTV show, where you will pretend you get a cell phone call and things go awry . . . Over 3 years you will lose 25 pounds, surround yourself with fallic shaped devices, and then we will send you on tour. But only after you've liberated the she males of the United States."

The Dream:

Upset about her career as a unique pop star being in jeapordy, Lady Gaga decided she wanted to go out like a star does. So, as she sat on the toilet to die like Elvis, she put a shotgun to her head and capped herself like Kurt Cobain. It was kind of vulgar.

Droppin' Bombs Like Truman

Watch the Lame Ducks video for their hit song "Droppin Bombs Like Truman.



To complete my blogs on presidents this week I would like to share with you the ones that I find most interesting.

Honorable Mention Gerald Ford.

Gerald Ford really didn't do a lot for this country. But how was he supposed to, the man was never even elected to an office. He is also the ONLY president who was born in Nebraska (though he would claim Michigan) and the ONLY president whose first and last name end in the letter D. Ford was not re-elected mainly to do with him pardoning Richard Nixon. I salute that choice and it has earned him honorable mention.

5th Dopest: Abraham Lincoln.

This man did some cool things involving emancipation. But come on, the coolest thing about him was his unusually skeaky and high voice. It took years for people to actually want to hear him speak. I once read a funny story about how a little girl wrote him a letter saying if he grew a beard he would receive more votes. Three weeks later he had his famous facial hair, and was on his way to becoming president.

4th Dopest: Richard Nixon.

Tricky Dick was a bad ass. He grew up in the same town as Nomar Garciaparra and was a college football player, much like Gerald Ford who was an all star athelete. Nixon may have cheated to win the White House in 1972 again George McGovern, but the truth is McGovern would not have beaten Nixon either way. This was the biggest landslide election since George Washington, and Nixon sneaking around Watergate would not have made a difference. Oh, and he ended the Cold War.

3rd Dopest: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
FDR was put 3rd on my list only because his wife Elanor Roosevelt was his cousin. Aside from that the man was an amazing president for over 12 years. He helped the United States through one of it's most difficult times all while keeping the fact he had polio and was confined to a wheelchair a secret from the masses. FDR died in office during his 12th year, and left Truman with the uneasy task of dropping the atomic bombs.

2nd Dopest: Theodore Roosevelt.

Teddy Bear was a "Rough Rider," a boxer, and one of the most hard core human beings to ever grace this earth. He was a tough as nails New Yorker who once got shot before a speech, and then finished the speech. He made his way in to office when McKinley was shot, and the world was concerned. However, Teddy and the big stick he carried did tremendous things for this country and earned a spot on Mount Rushmore, as well as getting his moniker stamped on the Teddy Bear.

1st Dopest: George Washington.

George Washington is on the dollar bill, he smoked pot, and he was an amazing soldier. Comparing Washington to any other president would be like comparing Steve Young to Joe Montana, Johnny Carson to Jimmy Fallon, or Jesus Christ to God. Washington understood democracy so well he refused to accept re-election more than once, and worked free of charge when in the White House.

Feel free to post your favorite presidents on here. I like feedback.

The rap video from above was written and produced by Cory Helie. The sweet raps that were being slain, were done by Trace Lewis and Cory Helie

Carry A Magic Stick

Watch the video, and then learn something under it.

Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt in archival footage of a footrace in 1496 b.c.



Here's Fitty!



Two things I enjoy in my life very much are rap music and learning about the presidents of the United States. I would like to share with you some side by side comparisons of some of hip hop’s Warren G. Hardest rappers, and this country’s most gubernatorious presidents.

We could begin by getting the more obvious ones out of the way quickly. Barack Obama is like Eminem because of the color issues, Richard Nixon (who once said rap music could have been his calling if it was introduced sooner) is like gansgta rapper DMX for having growly voices, Snoop Doog and Abe Lincoln are both lanky individuals with unique voices and Tupac is much like John F. Kennedy, not for getting gunned down so early in their lives, but because of the many notable women that they slept with.

However the greatest resemblance between a president and rapper is the striking similarities between rapper 50 cent and the 26th president of the United States Theodore Roosevelt. Both born in New York, these two gentlemen took up boxing. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson spent time sparring when not selling crack on the strip in Queens, New York, while President Roosevelt took up boxing to keep his physical condition in good shape while battling with childhood asthma and other ailments.

Both Roosevelt and 50 Cent have respective posses who have received a bit of fame for being associated with them. Theodore’s Rough Riders charged up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill during the Spanish American War. Jackson’s G-Unit is a group of mix tape recording masters who sold drugs and start feuds with other rappers. Both mentored individuals who burned bridges with them. 50's G-Unit buddy The Game wouldn't agree to feuding with 50 Cents enemies, and Howard Taft and Roosevelt had a falling out which led Roosevelt to begin the Bull Moose Party. Both Roosevelt and Jackson also have similar nicknames. Theodore Roosevelt has often times been referred to as “Teddy,” and 50 Cent has the moniker of “Fitty.”

The most painful, unique and badass similarity between two of the greatest New Yorkers is the gunfire they have both been a part of. In 2004, Mike Tyson’s body guard, Darryl Baum allegedly shot Fitty nine times in different places all over his body at close range in front of his grandmother’s home. One of the bullets hit Jackson in the cheek, causing him to have a slur in his voice, which ended up helping him gain even more popularity.

Roosevelt had a similar situation happen to him while campaigning in Milwaukee in 1912; a saloon keeper shot the Teddy Bear in his chest after it passed through his speech and eye glass holder. Rather than getting medical attention for his wound, President Roosevelt went on to give the speech he had prepared, with both a bullet hole running through his speech, lodged in his chest. He opened his speech by saying “Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.” Roosevelt lived the rest of his life with that bullet lodged in his chest. And 50 Cent, although it has given him a unique voice with his slight slur, also has fragments of one of the bullets in his tongue, a bond that the two of them both share.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that 50 Cent would be a great politician, or that Theo could sling crack. But they are both incredibly strong individuals whose characteristics gained them fame and respect. Teddy Roosevelt coined a term that is synonymous with his ideals, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” refers to treating conflict with peace, while simultaneously threatening with force. 50 believes in the use of a stick too. And I believe, that if Teddy and Fitty ever would have met, the phrase would have simply said, “Speak softly and carry a magic stick.”

Be prepared for a BIG DOPE POST to follow this one tomorrow. Bombs will be dropped like Truman.

I tried

to remember to fill this thing out after drinking and work. But it slipped my mind. It is funny how that works. You put all this time and effort in to a blog. Decide to work on it even more after drinking a bit, and then I forget to finish it off at 1 a.m.

How did that happen?

Oh, that's right. Hennessy makes you forget things.

-Cornado

So I guess this is what I'm gonna do . . .

when I start drinking. I like to get drunk at one of my jobs and dang it, why shouldn't we just check out how I am doing by around 1:30 a.m. See you later, if I can remember . . .

-Corgazmo.

Martin Luther Coon Jr,

It was Martin Luther King Jr. day and it started out just as any day would begin. I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered and got ready for work. I was listening to one of my favorite morning radio shows Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN Radio when I heard it. Mike Greenberg, let his tongue slip a little when he said Martin Luther Coon.
Greenberg immediately corrected himself and said Martin Luther King Jr. Many people are calling him out for being racist, while many others are backing him, and his tongue-tied excuse. It is hard to believe that a man who has always shown reverence when it comes to African Americans.
Greenberg has issued a statement claiming that his fast talking is the cause for the slip. Quite frankly, it makes absolute sense to me, especially since something similar has happened to me. It is not so uncommon for a radio host to slur words together and the outcome not work out so well. For example, I was once on air, speaking very quickly, when I slipped, saying “Call now if you want free movies for most of 2010, folks.” However, instead of saying folks, I spoke too quickly and said fucks. Luckily for me, no one in Nebraska seems to care about a vulgarity. Unfortunately for Greenberg, he happened to slip the word coon in when referencing a great man, on a day we should honor Dr. King. Hopefully, this will get resolved soon.

Click here for Huffington Post story.

Hello World

Hello World. How goes it?