HELIEWOOD

Great Clip

2010-05-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

This is a funny behind the stage clip from Always Sunny.

Here it is!

2010-05-06T12:39:00.001-07:00

This would be my entrance music if I was a pro baseball player.

It's been a while

2010-05-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

With finals and working more hours this weed I haven't found too much time to post anything new. But believe me, my mind is still racing like ol' Super-Saver. I'll be getting back to you soon with some more nonsensical ramblings.

Meagan Fux

2010-04-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

This will be my final post as a student in a blogging class.

I've been wanting to hit on this topic since I started blogging but never found the time to do it. So here you are!

Here is a list of 20 women I would rather bang than Meagan Fox.

1. Jessica Beil's little sister from 7th Heaven. Oh, Lucy. If only you were.
2. The woman Mike Tyson victimized. Show her how a real man gets down.
3. My 1st girlfriend's mom.
3.5 My 11th grade Health teacher. She was also my first girlfriend's mom.
4. A Real life Transofrmer. Probably Jazz, RIP.
5. Jerry's girlfriend.
6. Kathy Bates.Her nude scene in About Schmidt still gets me.
7. Jessica Rabbit. Kathleen Turner's voice, and buoyant breasts.
8. Christopher Reeves' wife. Why? Why not?
9. Grover Cleveland's daughter, "Baby Ruth"
10. An actual Baby Ruth candy bar
11. The beer cart girl at the golf course. What can I say, she doesn't laugh when I mulligan, and she gives me free Michelob.
12. Shia LaBeouf. But Cory, that's a guy. Maybe he is. But he's still Ren Steven's brother.
13. My mom's half-sister. HALF-sister. It is only half illegal.
14. Jackie Onassis.
15. The lady that does my girlfriend's nails. Because she always convinces my girlfriend to get chinese food for lunch.
16. The Olsen Twins. Mainly because I've always wanted to have a 3-way. With a lot of cocaine involved.
17. The chick from M*A*S*H. Margaret Houlihan.
18. The St. Louis Cardinals, for constantly screwing the Chicago Cubs.
19.Janet Jackson. Not now, but when she was on Diff'rent Strokes.
20. My child psychologist. She knows all my secrets.

There's the list, in no specific order, of people I would rather get it on with in Meagan Fox's place.

Why Listen?

2010-04-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

College radio is one of the best resources for any music fan. You can sit back, and listen to ANY song in the world. For there are no restrictions on non-profit radio. You can smoke drugs, and laugh as the bumbling dj's try to convince you to watch the new Will Ferrel movie, even though by "new" they mean it isn't Anchorman.

The possibilities are endless, as college stations can do about anything they want. In a community like Kearney, college radio could be very big. By getting the community behind their efforts, there is a good chance that KLPR could be a real competitor.

To anyone trying to get in to radio, please try to make the college station survive, and soar above all other college stations. You have the power!

The Sad Story of Jack

2010-04-26T20:08:00.001-07:00

NFL DRAFT

2010-04-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

If anyone has seen the ongoing NFL Draft you would know the big news . . .

No, not that Suh was drafted 2nd, or that Tebow will be a Bronco. The big news is that there will be a Coors Light Home Draft. That's right, you can buy draft Coors Light to put in your fridge, that will last up to 30 days.

Considering I do not believe that it will last 30 days, I still think that up to 4 days is long enough for me to drink it, which makes it outstanding. This is the kind of invention that makes me look forward to growing older.

I'm going to be able to have a Coors draft after hours. It will change my life. I can begin planning my schedules around when I can drink. The world has become a better place and I am pleased.

On a side note, a random fraternity member at a bar told me, " The NFL Draft would be more interesting if Dane Cook was the NFL commish." I knew he was in a frat because it was how he introduced himself.

Crack Me Up

2010-04-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

So this morning I'm sitting, watching my favorite ESPN show First Take, and this happens. Right when he said 'fucker' it did not register for a few seconds until he said shit, on live tv! How does this kind of thing happen? Get your delays right ESPN.

Are You Yanking Me, You're Yanking Me

2010-04-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this. Kevin Garnett, one of my favorite members of the Boston Celtics was suspended one game for an elbow. Quentin Richardson is the one who should be suspended, for being a playground bitch.

As you can see, right as the spectacle begins, Richardson oh so gently touches Garnett on his cheek. Garnett should have curb stomped him for touching him on the face. I'm not sure if he thought Garnett was cute, and was trying to seduce him, or if he was that kid in grade school who had too touch everyone as he walked past him. I hated that damn kid in grade school. I think most men would agree, you don't touch a man's face like that. For that, Quentin Richardson is a playground bitch.

CARRY A MAGIC STICK (FINAL)

2010-04-19T09:59:00.001-07:00

Through countless history books and rap tapes I stole from the vinyl store, I’ve learned that some of hip hop’s Warren G. Hardest rappers and this country’s most gubernatorious presidents share more than just the soil they walk on.
Barack Obama is like Eminem because of the color issues, Richard Nixon (who once said rap music could have been his calling if it was introduced sooner) is like gansgta rapper DMX for having growly voices, Snoop Doog and Abe Lincoln are both lanky individuals and Tupac is much like John F. Kennedy, not for getting gunned down so early in their lives, but because of the many women that they slept with.

However the greatest resemblance between a president and rapper is the striking similarities between rapper 50 Cent and the 26th president of the United States Theodore Roosevelt. Both born in New York, these two gentlemen took up boxing. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson spent time sparring when not selling crack on the strip in Queens, while President Roosevelt took up boxing to keep his physical condition in good shape while battling with childhood asthma and other ailments.

Both Roosevelt and 50 Cent have posses who have received a bit of fame for being associated with them. Theodore’s Rough Riders charged up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill during the Spanish American War, and Jackson’s G-Unit is a group of mix tape recording masters who sold drugs and started feuds with other rappers.
Both mentored individuals who burned bridges with them. 50's G-Unit buddy The Game wouldn't agree to feuding with 50 Cents enemies, and Howard Taft and Roosevelt had a falling out which led Roosevelt to begin the Bull Moose Party. Both Roosevelt and Jackson also have similar nicknames. Theodore Roosevelt has often times been referred to as “Teddy,” and 50 Cent has the moniker of “Fitty.”

The most painful and unique similarity between two of the greatest New Yorkers is the gunfire they have both been a part of. In 2004, Mike Tyson’s body guard, Darryl Baum allegedly shot Fitty nine times in different places all over his body at close range in front of his grandmother’s home. One of the bullets hit Jackson in the cheek, causing him to have a slur in his voice, which ended becoming his trademark.

Roosevelt had a similar situation happen to him while campaigning in Milwaukee in 1912; a saloon keeper shot the Teddy Bear in his chest after it passed through his speech copy and eye glass holder. Rather than getting medical attention for his wound, President Roosevelt went on to give the speech he had prepared, with a hole through his speech, and lodged in his chest. He opened his speech by saying “Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.” Roosevelt lived the rest of his life with that bullet lodged in his chest while 50 Cent also has fragments of one of the bullets in his tongue, a bond that the two of them both share.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that 50 Cent would be a great politician, or that Theo could sling crack. But they are both incredibly strong individuals whose characteristics gained them fame and respect. Teddy Roosevelt coined a term that is synonymous with his ideals, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” refers to treating conflict with peace, while simultaneously threatening with force. 50 believes in the use of a stick too, in his song Magic Stick, which was a chart topper. Put the two ideas together and you get a phrase this country can run on, “Speak softly and carry a magic stick.”

Not Don Henley's Boys of Summer

2010-04-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

Whether you're eating them at a hot dog stand, hot off your grill, or at your favorite baseball park, hot dogs are synonymous with summer fun. I may seem like a piggy, or a freak, but I have probably already eaten 25 hot dogs since the end of March, and I don't think I'm going to be quitting any time soon. I'm not quite sure of the health risks, and quite frankly I don't care.

On Opening Day of baseball I picked out the player I thought would hit the most home runs. Though I absolutely hate the Cardinals, I chose Albert Pujols. I've decided that everytime Albert Pujols hits one over the fence, i would eat a hot dog.

That day, Albert hit two home runs, and i ate two frankfurters hot off my grill. Delicious. This delicious oath I have made to baseball is definately something i look forward to. Now I am forced to snack on hot dogs regularly, and am thrilled. So folks, get your foam fingers and Coors light ready, because the real Boys of Summer are back, and they're weenies.

2010-04-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

Please, don't make any drastic decisions . . .

Call the National Suicide Hotline today, 1-800-CREED-SUCKS

Do me a favor

2010-04-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

A old friend of mine just began his first blog. If you would follow him or at least check it out that would be cool. http://jockstersjibber.blogspot.com

Need an Easier Route

2010-04-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have updated my blog address to www.heliewood.tk

My Mom

2010-04-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

Reads my blog. Why? Because she's loved hearing me talk shit and speak out of my ass for years. She read a blog I wrote about how she used to annoy me when she would answer the phone and talk loud as hell while the rest of us in the room were trying to listen to something more interesting than her talk to her her friends about whose bed whose boots have been under.

Then she demanded I mention some nice things about her, so my "followers" don't think she is a lunatic. So to adhere to her (and somehow make her seem more sane, which by this very articles purpose makes her seem Mary Todd Lincoln crazy. So here we go, some nice things about the mother of the foul-mouthed Cory Helie.

She once bought me a Doctor's Kit when I was a kid. Though it had to be painfully obvious I would never be a doctor. That would be like buying a little girl a United States President Kit. There's just not a lot of point to it.

She paid for years and years of Catholic school for my brothers and I. By doing this, she really sent me to a school to teach me how to argue against religion and drive people crazy. Either way you see it, the Bible is something I learned whether for good or bad. And thanks to her sending me there, I have made Theology teachers cry and can beat about anyone's ass in Bible trivia.

Though this list could go on for pages, I will leave you with one more example, because after all this is the weekend and I could use the break. My mother has this understanding quality which not many mothers probably have. Most parents would say that no matter what their kids say or do they will love them. However, a lot of disturbing things have come out of my mouth in front of my mom, and it has to be a pretty cool thing when you can say "rug muncher" in front of your mom.

I know you're supposed to respect your mother and father, and in ways repay them for raising you the right way. Well, one way I repay my parents is by honoring them in a way many don't. The Bible says honor your mother and father. Well, there's no better way of honoring them than to make them a friend. For friends are the people in life you choose, and family are the people you hope still love you when your Principal tells them . . .

Do you know Cory asked his religion teacher "if Jesus had low self-esteem would he be an atheist for not believing in himself?"

M. Nuff is M. Nuff

2010-04-11T09:43:00.001-07:00

I have had it. I have had it up to here. I have had it up to here with M. Night Shyamalan movies. This morning I got tricked in to watching one of his movies, The Happening. I see one of my favorite actors, Mark Wahlberg, and his co-star Zoey Deschanel and a plot line involving a bunch of people killing themselves. Sounds cool enough, sure it does.

But Shyamalan couldn't write a good movie ending to save his life. His movies are very climactic typically, until the ending rolls around and ruins it all.

SPOILERS!!!

The movie ends when an old lady dying, and the world is good again. Kind of.

M. Night needs to get out of the film business, his business would best be in books. His movie endings are always the same and ruin the rest of the film. Things slowly fizzle and the credits roll. And I HATE IT!!!

He is the worst! Go back to Mexico!

Pet Peeve

2010-04-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting on my couch watching Major League starring Charlie Sheen, when my girlfriend's phone rings. She takes the call. I continue watching Rick "Wild Thing" Vauhgn 'strike this motherfucker out' when her conversation got louder and louder.

As a Tiger Woods commercial came on and my attention swerved (he makes me so sick, he's a cheater) I began remembering how my mother used to always take calls in front of others in our family room and how she could bring walls down with her loud conversations.

She never quite understood how much that pissed me off. I always found it kind of rude that someone could make what they were saying overtake an entire population of people in the room. Whether it was just the two of us or the whole Helie crew (me and her seven other sons and dad).

My senses hit me when the sound barrior broke at the pitch of Danielle's conversation. The anger could have turned me green and hulk-like, until she politely asked "am I being too loud? I could go in the other room." I politely replied "yes please, that would be great."

Situation diffused.

How lucky am I? A problem arose and took care of itself. Just like Jake Taylor, she sacrifice bunted. It all worked out, even though I did nothing to solve the problem. Is major league kind of a metaphor for a relationship? Or was i just being a tool about people overpowering the room. Let's go with Major League being a metaphor here.

Sometimes your your relationship gets in to a pinch. Whether it is a World Series size problem or Minor League skirmish, dissecting the problem and taking action will in turn take your team to the big show. So beware folks, pay close attention to the little things with your partner and improve upon things as neccessary, your relationship will be much more fulfilling.

Author's Note: Anything in parenthesis is a bold lie. Tiger Woods is the man and I only have two brothers.

Eight Dollars Can Get You In To More Than Just The Box Office (final draft)

2010-04-03T13:52:00.001-07:00

I've had my share of adventurous sexual experiences. Some uncoordinated, one in a baseball dugout, and one in fact many wouldn't even call sex, because the girl didn't realize what had happened. But the one crazy place I've always wanted to get down to business would have to be the same place I saw my first naked lady. Not my parent’s bedroom, the place where the likes of Pee Wee Herman has spread his seed, the Cinema.
It began at a young age; my dad took me to see a movie that would forever impact me, Doc Hollywood. The year was ‘91 and I loved Michael J. Fox films, roughly 16 minutes in to this small town hospital comedy, Julie Warner’s character got naked. And at age five I decided I wanted to have intercourse with a girl in a theatre. It wasn’t instantly that I would have the charm it takes to convince a girl to sleep with me. After I struck out with the “hole in the bottom of the popcorn” trick, I decided to try something else, I figured the best way to get action at the cinema was to take a girl to a foreign language film.
There I was sitting next to one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever shared Twizzlers with. Her hair was blonde, her legs were long and her reputation was tarnished, so I was sure this was going to happen. Unfortunately as I slipped my hand up her thigh, the main character was being beaten to the ground, and on a long walk to his crucifixion; my date dropped to her knees and began to sob. Needless to say, she and I never went on another date. However she is born again and I learned an important lesson; do not take a date to see The Passion of the Christ.
After my last attempt, I gave it a rest until I was older. We had both been drinking that evening and the plan was working like a charm. She was full of shellfish and Mike’s Lemonade, both well known aphrodisiacs, and her two favorite actors happened to be in this particular flick. And then a blessing from God, the theatre was completely empty.
In contrast to past advances I had made, she was all over me. Chocolate covered pretzels were in “places” and my feet stuck to the soda stained floor as I shimmied my Dickies to the ground. It was not long in to the movie when we pulled the “one pant leg on, on pant leg off trick” like we were trying to get it on in our parent’s living room. I was about to do the wild thing in front of the big screen, but that was not what fate had in mind; fate felt like my libido needed an intermission.
It turns out the movie I agreed to see with was no normal movie. Right as I was about to butter her popcorn, the movie took its own sexual twist, which couldn’t help but interrupt what I had in mind. We looked up togetherThe Box Office star Heath Ledger spit on his hand, and began making love to Bubble Boy star Jake Gyllenhaal.
Is it a curse? My dreams have me getting lucky in front of people like Sly Stallone and Ed Murphy, when chances are I will never succeed. I must accept my destiny of being one of those men who tried to accomplish greatness, but fell short. Like Karl Malone, I came close and could not seal the deal. Don’t worry movie fans, I won’t be retiring my jersey just yet, there’s a whole fresh batch of summer movies on the way and this guys ready for action.

Easter

2010-04-01T11:55:00.001-07:00

A big holiday is coming Sunday that I want everyone to celebrate with their hearts full and their families close by. It isn't everyday that you get to see children smile, with high hopes and aspirations. This Sunday a new leaf gets turned and resurrection occurs. My prayers will go up to God before I lay my head to sle...ep Saturday Night. For Sunday is a day of celebration. Opening Day: Red Sox v Yankees. Praise God.

I know it is not easy. EXCEPT IT IS!

2010-03-31T12:02:00.001-07:00

Counting change. It is so difficult, right? Do you start with the small bills or the change? Who knows?

I'll tell you who should know, ANYONE WHO TOUCHES MONEY!

This pisses me off so much. I've worked in retail, and as difficult as it may be to count change for some people, it NEEDS to be done. People should take their work more seriously, if you can not do your customers the service of counting their money back to them, then you need to find a new job.

By continuing to try and count change to customers, you will figure out how to do it. Practice makes perfect, and it can't feel good to get all of those looks from people that make you feel like a moron. So please, for everyone's sake, don't make the general population of America look any dumber than we are. COUNT CHANGE!!!!

In 8 Days

2010-03-27T14:53:00.001-07:00

Baseball will begin again. I am indeed looking forward to next Sunday when I will get to ring in the new baseball season with the Yankees and Red Sox on opening day. This is going to be tight! Last year I would call a disappointment. I hate the Yankees, but they deserved to win the World Series. It hurts to say but they kicked ass. This year could be different, and every baseball season is like that. Each year can be different.

There hasn't been a back to back WS winner in years. Sure the Red Sox have won a couple, but there hasn't been a repeat champ in a decade. But lets be real, any team could be in the October Classic. I would feel comfortable saying the Kansas City Royals could win, or even the Washington Nationals. And that is great for sports. You can not believe other sports are like that. Because in football, we know the Lions will suck for years, and in basketball the Nets just won't be great. Well, until one of their owners Jay-Z buys Lebron and they kick ass, right after he drops an album.

Either way, it is coming soon. Opening Day 2010. When everyone knows, this will be their teams season. Go Expos!

Suicide

2010-03-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

I think suicide is crucial to level out sanity amongst the population. Though selfish and half-baked, suicide could perhaps be the most selfless thing a person could do. I've seen many people die, and many of them were from suicide. As much as it hurts to lose those individuals, it is worse to think they could live on to spread the psychosis they have when they have children. It would be cruel to bring a child in to this earth who would have that problem, maybe share a gene that makes it possibly.

I would never high five a person for taking their own life, and I would be crushed if someone I was close with at this point in my life took their life. And surely someone who reads this has probably lost someone recently, and for that I am sorry. I just happen to look at it a little differently. Of course there are better options then killing yourself, so excercise those.

Network

2010-03-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

So there was once this movie, with a pretty sweet cast and interesting story line. It captivated it's audience by getting them emotionally invested in some areas. But somewhere along the lines, they couldn't think of a good ending. So the producers pondered really hard how to make a quality ending. It was not going to be easy, there were 10 different main characters and no way out of this already long script. Then as an easy way out, maybe to save production costs they decided to just kill off the main character (in my opinion).

SPOILERS!!!!!

Network was an interesting tale of a man who wanted high television ratings. At the beginning of the film he says he is going to kill himself, and at the end, he was killed. Maybe I do not know much about screenplay writing, but I know the easiest way to end a movie has to be the worst way to end a movie. I expected a suicide, and I deserved a suicide. At the end of the film when the Network decided to commit the murder, I was positive the suicide would have happened first. Instead, they took the easy road. Just think if the Bible ended with Jesus getting struck by lightening once rather than a trudge through the masses of people with a cross on his back. Pretty weak Network. Maybe let the Coen Brothers do a rewrite.

The Hammer

2010-03-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

This movie starring Adam Carolla is perhaps one of the besfilms I've seen in a long time. It is a story about a boxing instructor who takes a shot at the chance of a lifetime.

I'm not going to go and ruin the whole thing for you, so I will just tell you why to peep it. First of all, ADAM CAROLLA IS A HOOT! He brings his A game when it comes to the one liners he has in this flick. Aside from it being one of the best boxing movies I've ever seen ,it also could go punch for punch with any of the hilarious comedies that have come out over the years.

It goes to show that a low budget movie can be done and still turn some heads. With all the hype over special effects and other bullcrap, this movie is plainly and simply a story about a man, a person, just like you and me. It is simple, but a story that should touch anyone.

Man Versus Food

2010-03-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

I just came to the conclusion that Adam Richman, host of Travel Channel's Man V. Food should wait til he gets to the office every morning before he takes a crap. Believe me, if your job was to put up to four pounds of random foods including Philly cheeststeaks, massive hamburgers and pretty much any type of Mexican foods; you would be spending large amounts of time on the porcelain recliner. If such a large amount of my day stemmed from eating loads of food I would make sure I was getting reimbursed for the time pooping. Someone should tell Adam this, for he may be able to get back pay for spending time dumping at home.

Don't Get Any Ideas Fellas

2010-03-13T11:48:00.001-08:00

I Hope Jay-Z Had a 3-way With These Two

2010-03-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

Lady Gaga has done it again. She has made perhaps the sweetest music video I have seen in years. She, Beyonce, and Tyrese Gibbs star in this short film which is over 9 minutes long. It has many little tributes to Michael Jackson's thriller and references to some Quinten Tarantino films. Packed full of lesbian inuendos and a whole lot of naked Gaga. She even takes a stab at the comments floating around about the possibility of her having a dick.

The video has a great filmmaking quality about it. Bright colors and contrasting patterns. Their use of camera angles blew my mind, and they had a very unique style which is a quality I don't see much in music videos. The video has product placement, masturbation, and some killer outfits. At one point Lady Gaga is wearing a pair of sunglasses with cigarettes burning on them. Take a peek, you won't regret watching this dope video.

The Good Life on Film//// Final Collumn

2010-03-12T18:59:00.003-08:00

How is it that we refer to this state? Oh yes, the good life. Nebraska certainly is the good life, we have high speed internet, access to hallucinogens, and of course we are responsible for Dick Cheney. Our fine state produced the delicious McRib and also started Arbor Day. However, if your only knowledge of Nebraska comes from watching movies, you’ll likely want to stay as far away as possible.

Cinema has not been Nebraska’s best friend. In fact, it makes us either seem like cross-dressers, wolves or little blonde children lurking around in fields. To set the record straight, some of the events in movies that take place in Cornhusker State are indeed true stories. One of which, Night of the Twisters stars Devon Sawa as a teenager involved in the devastating tornadoes that touched down in Grand Island over 25 years ago.

Unfortunately the film that hurts us the most is a true story, involving Brandon Teena, a transgender portrayed by Hillary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry, a movie chronicling the time frame before and leading up to her being sexually assaulted and killed by her friends. Though the incident was headline news for a long time, it still set Nebraska back about 50 years.

If you found that crazy, here are some of the not so real murderous stories set in Nebraska. Children of the Corn was based on Stephen King’s novella and featured little blonde children who are in a cult in the town of Gatlin NE, where they are told by a supernatural force in the cornfields that they should kill the adults. A bickering couple drives through Gatlin to report a murder, when they find themselves in the midst of a religious rebellion. Pretty creepy, huh? We’ve yet to touch base on strange, the children of the corn are puppets next to this Nebraskan.

In the special effects driven Teen Wolf, the always charming Michael J. Fox stars as Scott Howard, a normal guy whose popularity and basketball skills drastically change as he discovers his family’s secret, they’re werewolves. Scott and his sidekick and nutty cousin Stiles market his Teen Wolf-iness and get wild on top of the family’s utility vehicle. It is absolutely true that Nebraskans love to jump on bandwagons. No one loved the Rockies more in the 2007 World Series than us and I bet no other state spent more money on United States flag items than Nebraskans, so I would agree that people in this state would buy loads of Teen Wolf gear.

There are sleepers when it comes to films around here. In one of Alexander Payne’s many Nebraska movies Election it features Omaha’s Chris Klein and Matthew Broderick in a tie for two of the most awkward sex scenes ever. It is a great flick, no doubt about it. In another he exposes Kathy Bates in one of the greatest ways I have seen her, and no not as the Unsinkable Molly Brown in Titanic. You may find it strange, but I must be honest, there is something strangely sexy about seeing Kathy Bates get down to her birthday suit in About Schmidt. Alexander Payne, you are a great Nebraskan.

Perhaps the state of Nebraska should stay out of film altogether. Iowa learned its lesson with Field of Dreams and hasn’t made a film yet. Lord knows they don’t want people to think there are voices telling you to do crazy things in their cornfields. Perhaps it’s best we leave it up to Hollywood. We’ll stock up on hallucinogens, put our Dorothy Lynch on our salads, and maybe go on a hunting adventure with Dick Cheney. Sounds like the Good Life. Sounds like a screenplay . . .

Rough.

2010-03-12T18:59:00.001-08:00

Cory of the Year

2010-03-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

One less. That is right. Out of the hundreds of assholes who gave 'Corys' of the world a bad name has died. There have only been about two people I've met named Corey have been tolerable people and I've never met someone who spelled their name the way I do who has not been a complete asshole.

Now that Corey Haim has died, there is just one less person giving me a bad name. His drug abuse and terrible films have given him a recognizable name in the world as long as hanging out with the mildly respectable Corey Feldman. He was really nothing but Robin to the Batman.

It is really unfortunate that the only famous Coreys who weren't total douchebags either played a one-eared lunatic or sang a song about Sunglasses at Night. Alright, Corey Hart was a badass.

I'm not pleased the star of License to Drive is dead. I wouldt steal a car to bang Heather Graham as well. I just wish he would have changed his name to something like Rex or the name of his roommate in his frat house. Corey Haim will now be forever remembered as the Corey who died with prescription pills nearby with his mom in the room. And for that, I'm glad I'll be the Cory who died during an wing eating contest with Barry Bonds and Prince Fielder's fat asses.

(If you haven't seen License to Drive, this trailer will suffice. It explais thewhole story)

No More Garciaparra

2010-03-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

He had the quickest wrists in baseball, had the hottest wife in soccer, and hit a home run in his first at bat in the Major Leagues. Nomar Garciaparra was a sports icon for many people and now he is retiring from the sport. He was deemed the toughest out in baseball at a young age, and went on to achieve some of the greatest accomplishments in the sport. Lucky for those of us who could never get enough Nomar, he will be an analyst for the ESPN show Baseball Tonight.

New Study on Baby Suckling Reflex

2010-03-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

A new study has been done on the suckling reflex formerly known for giving babies the ability to suck milk from their mothers breasts. Though it's former definition is a helpful tool, studies show the suckling reflex was indeed inherited for people to inhale plant matter.

While it is a necessity for a baby to receive milk, it seems to be much more important that people are able to smoke marijuana. So screw the scholars, I've found my own research out.

My Dream Orgy

2010-03-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

The Gloat Formerly Known as Prince Fielder

2010-03-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

So the fattest baseball player since his father played baseball Prince Fielder finally got what he deserved Thursday. No, the 4.4 million cows he has eaten solely by himself have not raised from the dead with the gaggles of pigs, chickens, grizzly bears and babies he's chowed down on either. In fact, the man had a baseball thrown at (and shortly lodged in) his back.

At the conclusion of last season, The Fat Prince of Brew-Air hit a walkoff homerun against the San Fran Giants. After huffing and puffing his way around the bases, he and his teammates engaged in a ridiculous celebration looking like either bowling pins or a line waiting behind Prince to use the restroom at Buffalo Wild Wings. If you aren't aware, just like crying and the Expos, celebration is not really tolerated in baseball. Unless of course you want to be jammed up like an actor on the set of his first gay porn.

For doing so, Giants southpaw pitcher and badass Barry Zito threw a pitch that hit Fielder in the back fat Thursday. An eye for an eye Prince. Will this make him move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air to avoid anymore people making trouble in his neighborhood, or should Fielder cry a river? Seem to me like he took it well, throwing the ball back to Zito.

If you want to act like a kid on the playground, be prepared to get some sweet chin music. I understand what it is like, being the porky one on the team, hoping to do some good instead of just being the kid who only wins races to the snacks after the game. You want to hit big, and show off bigger. And my God, Prince Fielder, really wants his teammates to stop making Purple Rain jokes at his expense.

You're a lucky bastard Prince. Be pleased that Barry Zito and the Giants had warm hearts, in allowing the retaliation of your stupid bragging to be done in Spring Training instead of the regular season when your stats matter. For that you owe them. I couldn't imagine you taking them out to dinner without eating their food before they can touch it. For Christ's sake, it is a buffet, just go get more. And be even more elated, that he barely threw the ball at you.

Prince, I hate when you hit homeruns, and I hate it worse when it is against the Cubs. Your dad and you should both take acai berry pills like Britney Spears, because you're beginning to get as fat as she is.

Love,

The 13-Year Old Cubs Fan in All of Us.

El Scorcho

2010-03-05T09:21:00.000-08:00

(This blog was made after I read Hope's blog about her mouse)

I had a scorpion once, and I went to the pet store to buy it a mouse to eat in front of me. I was stoked, I was about to see some real gruesome stuff.

So at the pet store register, I looked in the paper bag holding El Scorcho's lunch, and I see the cute white and pink mouse inside. And I tell the girl at the counter to put it back, I couldn't let this happen.

She was pissed, and told me I had to do it myself. So I went upstairs to where they kept the mice, awfully close to the snake cages, and let all of the mice out and closed the door.

I walked out happy that I saved the little guy. However I wish I would have seen the face of that counter girl when she opened the door to the mice and snake cages, because all them mice would have just flooded the store.

I've decided to make this a blog, thank you Hope.

Cory and Danielle

2010-03-02T10:01:00.001-08:00

Cory: Hey, Chad Ochocinco is going to be on Dancing With the Stars.

Danielle: Oh, that's funny.

Cory: Sports stars boost ratings so dudes are more willing to watch that shit.

Danielle: So you want to watch this?

Cory: God no. Kate Gosselin is on that shit.

Danielle: Who is Kate Gosselin? Was she in The Notebook?

Cory: No, that was Ryan Gosling.

Watch this if you've made your mind up on health care reform

2010-03-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Keith Olberman tells one of the most difficult stories a son could tell here, in this segment on his show. Whether you have made up your mind on the health care reform or not, you should peep this video and just see things through someone else's eyes.

I guess being an uninsured adult makes me worry . . . But I get insurance soon, so that's pretty dope.

Watching Lebron James Play Ball . . .

2010-03-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

is like watching Ron Jeremy give it to a group of five women at once, while four other dudes look on.

It is amazing to see him penetrate the hole the way he does. Jamming it in the faces of the starstruck defenders.

As he chases down fast break, stuffing the opponent like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Seeing Lebron James play ball is like watching Ron Jeremy do a little hardwood action, fo sho!

Government Property My Ass

2010-02-27T10:34:00.001-08:00

Lord knows if I challenged the cast of M*A*S*H to a fight, they would not go taddle me out to their superiors. They would probably just beat me over the head with my bottle of gin and make martinis with it.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Have you ever been in a bar, harmlessly drinking cement mixer after cement mixer, grabbing girl's asses and firing guns in the air . . . when a ripped, slightly slow, Marine walks up and starts shit with you?

Sure, we have ALL found ourselves in situations where a a military man, whether he be Naval, Army, Air Force, or Marine (never coastgaurd, they're afriad of everything, including water) puts his foot down on something you're doing, and demands you stop, or else!

Or else what, Jarhead? You'll take my freedom of speech away with your douchebag army wand? Or are you going to 'every which way but loose' my ass? Of course you want to fight, you're trained to do so. BUT! If I do decide to fight this angry gentleman, apparently I could get in more trouble than he can, for I would be tampering with government property.

If this is true, and we can be punished for tampering with government property for merely defending ourselves to some high and tight asshole, than I should be able to sue the government for unleashing their weapons amongst citizens. Would it be advisable for the army to let a loaded cannon hangout with a bunch of drunks, I don't think so.

If they're being labeled government property, they should have to stay locked up in the barracks. NOT, allowed where the average citizen drinks, and forgets about how the government is always bringing them down. Or perhaps the government should take some responsibility, and take the blame for the way some people on the military act.

It should be my American right to get the shit beat out of me by a Marine, and receive the same punishment. I should not be treated like I just banged one of the Bush twins on the Whitehouse steps.

Summing Tiger Woods up with Bill Maher

2010-02-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

New Rule: Stop Saying "Sex Addict" Like It's a Bad Thing

aBOVE IS THE LINK TO A PIECE THAT bILL mAHER WROTE ABOUT tIGER wOODS. tAKE SOME TIME TO READ IT, AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF.

Keeping Campus Safe

2010-02-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

Keeping Campus Safe
By Cory Helie

With the recent safety alerts dispatched to UNK students involving a sex offender on campus, it brings up the topic of whether or not the right safety concerns are being raised over who is allowed to live on campus. On the University of Nebraska at Kearney’s web page, it reassures parents that their children will be safe, and has a team that cracks down on violence on campus.

It states:
As a parent, there is no single more important question to ask during the college search process than, “Will my child be safe?” When you come to visit us, talk to UNK students or their parents and they’ll most likely tell you the reason they chose to come here, above all, is because it felt like a safe, community-centered environment they could call “home”.

Maybe if you ask one of the students now, they could comment on how there was an individual on campus who was a registered sex offender, or how a man in 2005 went hysterical after falling in love with a woman who didn’t share the same feelings and eventually assaulted her and broke a glass door inside of a residence hall. Those students on campus could also mention how there was a man on campus in recent years who raped students, and UNK Police never apprehended.

Certainly these gentlemen had records of some sort that could have been pointed out by UNK officials if they went to that measure. There should be a way to distinguish people with mental instabilities from the other residence to ensure their safety. It would not make sense to outcast these people, but they should not be allowed access to campus late at night. Beefing up campus security would be a positive step in the right direction for the University.

In recent years, the UNK Police have been a laughable force amongst students on campus. They have been regarded as rent-a-cops, party cops, and downright old in some cases. By recently adding more officers to the bunch, the UNK Police seem to be getting their things together. It is just unfortunate that it hadn’t come sooner, to discover the most recent case of a sexual offender on campus Tyler Sedlak.
Sedlak was a student who is currently on the Nebraska Sex Offenders List. He was banned from campus for disruptive behavior. His status on the NSOL is a 15 year duration from August 8th, 2008 for being guilty of Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree when he or she subjecting another person to sexual contact without the latter's consent.

Why weren’t students informed of this before he was allowed on campus for over a year. Whether he was a registered student or not, he spent time on campus, and apparently caused disruptive behavior and reportedly creeped people out.

Had there been something done about these sooner, at least one disruption on campus would have been prevented. Keeping unstable people off at campus at night would make the place a little safer, and make parents sleep a little better at night, after all of the unfortunate things that happen.

Sources:
University of Nebraska at Kearney Website: www.unk.edu
Nebraska Sex Offenders Registry: http://www.nsp.state.ne.us/sor/Subject.cfm?vREGNUM=200808HRK

Claims:
* University officials need to work harder at keeping psychologically unstable people off of campus.
* By beefing up security, the campus will in turn be safer.

Sex Offender Part Dos

2010-02-26T21:52:00.001-08:00

OH here it comes.

Students should be administered psychological evaluations before being allowed to live on campus.

• 2005 act of violence on UNK campus to young woman.
• 2010 man banned from campus, who is also a sexual predator.
• UNK Police are worthless.
• Is it safe to live near a virgin.
• I lived on campus for 2 years . . .
• Rapist on campus. Raped some people.
• Oh, and UNK police are worthless.

More to come . . .

With the recent warnings sent out to UNK students involving a sex offender on campus, it brings up the topic of whether or not the right safety concerns are being raised over who is allowed to live on campus.

Barry Bonds

2010-02-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

WARNING: I LET MY REDNECK COUSIN WALTER FROM ATLANTA MAKE THIS EXTREMELY RACIST POST. DO NOT DISCREDIT ME, I THINK IT IS HILARIOUS.

Well, hell. We dun screwed up ageen. We gave such a hurrible name to my favorite player John Rocker, that he had to quit baseball just when we needed him most. There used to be this beluv'd record in sports. It was Babe Ruth's home run record and it was tarnished by Barry Bonds.

Barry Bonds has taken more steroids that I've taken cousins to the shed. Heck, I think he's had more shots up the butt than porn star, and his testicles are about as useless as a sheep with a castrating ring on.

Now, I dunno about ya'll, but I don't need no beef jerky eatin', doped out of his mind Barry Bongs being the homer champ. An'it could have been prevented if no one would have been such a prick to John Rocker.

John Rocker spoke his mind, and he didn't like certain races. Now I'm not saying John Rocker could have out pitched Barry Bonds and stopped him from hitting all them home runs. But I am saying that John Rocker, had be stayed in the game longer, could have thrown one fateful baseball, that could have hit Barry Bongs in the face and blinded him for life.

Thus, we would not have to see and asterisk next to his name. Damn you all for casting stones at John Rocker, he could have saved the game.

****************

THANKS FOR YOUR OPINIONS WALTER. TO HELP CLARIFY SOME THINGS ABOVE, AND HOW TRULY RACIST JOHN ROCKER WAS/IS. CHECK OUT THIS QUOTE FROM SPORTS ILLUSTRATED BELOW, WHERE JOHN ROCKER SPEAKS ABOUT NEW YORK.

“It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you’re in Beruit riding next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old Mom with four kids. It’s depressing……The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?”

Rough Draft Editorial

2010-02-26T09:11:00.001-08:00

Students should be administered psychological evaluations before being allowed to live on campus.

• 2005 act of violence on UNK campus to young woman.
• 2010 man banned from campus, who is also a sexual predator.
• UNK Police are worthless.
• Is it safe to live near a virgin.
• I lived on campus for 2 years . . .
• Rapist on campus. Raped some people.
• Oh, and UNK police are worthless.

More to come . . .

With the recent warnings sent out to UNK students involving a sex offender on campus, it brings up the topic of whether or not the right safety concerns are being raised over who is allowed to live on campus.

Sources:
University of Nebraska at Kearney Website: www.unk.edu
Nebraska Sex Offenders Registry: http://www.nsp.state.ne.us/sor/Subject.cfm?vREGNUM=200808HRK

Claims:
* University officials need to work harder at keeping psychologically unstable people off of campus.
* By beefing up security, the campus will in turn be safer.

The Best 3-way Partner . . .

2010-02-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

would have to be a deaf girl. A deaf girl would be great as a 3rd player in love games between you and your wife or whatever.

a. She would not be able to talk to you after wards, no pillow talk. Simply turn off the lights, and no one will be able to see her sign language.

b. She won't be able to hear you tell your wife you love her the whole time you are scoring with this hearing impaired woman. To keep the woman you really care for pleased, you can't slip for a second, making her think you're enjoying your trip inside of someone else. Keep telling her you love her, and she will believe it. Don't high five her, you aren't tag-teaming someone with your frat buddy, you're simply adding a little more cowbell to the band.

c. She won't be able to hear you cry after you have your embarrassing orgasm.

So when you and your loved on are scouring around looking for the this Musketeer, keep in mind someone who might not be able to say 'the safety word,' but love you all the same. Someone who is hearing impaired, but sexually sound.

Best SNL clip in years

2010-02-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

This was from SNL hosted by Ashton Kutcher with Them Cooked Vultures (with Dave Grohl) as musical guest.

Here is what came of it, which is perhaps one of the greatest sketches of all time. Either you need to be in to bands like the Sex Pistols or the Dead Kennedys to really dig it, or just want to get on Ashton Kutcher.

Dave Grohl, if you weren't aware is perhaps one of the most talented musicians on the planet. His drum skills have been featured on albums by Queens of the Stone Age, Tencaious D and was also one of the founding members of Nirvana. After Nirvana ended, Grohl recorded all of the tracks for the Foo Fighters first album.

This was a hoot, a holler, and despite featuring Ashton Kutcher, kicked ass!

PUNK IS NOT DEAD!

Commentary Blogging

2010-02-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Is anyone unclear about where to vote for these Super Bowl blogs? And how to vote? And how our scores are added up for each weekly blog set? I'm getting scores I'm not happy with and I don't understand why . . . I know I've posted at least 3 a week.

Let me know how you guys are doing and what the word is . . .

Como se llama?

2010-02-15T14:21:00.001-08:00

I was throwing around some names for my man-parts. I guess everyone has one. Here are a few. And yes, my mom reads this.

Super Mario and the Goombas
Bret Favre and the Packers
Tricky Dick and the Gubernatesticals
Fishing Rod and the Bobbers
Swing Set
Crosby, Stills and Nash
A Spike Lee Joint
Fred Flintbone and Pebbles
Skittles and the Clark Bar
The Ringling Brothers Present the Flying Elephant
Teddy Rosevelt and the Rough Riders
Pooh Bear and his honeycombs
Mike Tyson and the knockouts
President Lyndon B. Johnson
Jorge Posada y Yankees de New York
The American Idols

UPDATE: I've decided to stick to the one I've had for years . . .

Little Cory and the Gentlemen.

Ellen Degeneres Ruins Lives

2010-02-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Picture this . . .

(Saved by the Bell pink fuzz frames your daydream)

You're 84 years old, and the daughter you have treated like a princess her whole life decides to drop you off in a nursing home in the middle of nowhere.

Your room is about the size of an elevator and the staff only cares about you because they benefit off of the pills you have to take. Luckily for you they blind you from the rest of the world.

It frightens you to wake up where you are with no friends, family or pets. Would it have hurt so bad to let you bring your cat. The only thing you look forward to is walking in to the commons area and having jello with Verna.

It is nice to have lunch with her and watch the Ellen Degeneres Show. But BAM! You become a lesbian. Just like most women in old folks homes.

(back to reality)

DO NOT SEND YOUR PARENTS TO OLD FOLKS HOMES. YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES THAT NOT ONLY DID YOU FORSAKE YOUR PARENT IN TO TORTURE BY TAKING AWAY HER FREEDOM. BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT SHE IS A LESBIAN BECAUSE OF IT. IF SHE WAS AT HOME SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST AS HAPPY WATCHING MATLOCK.

(JUST TO MAKE THINGS CLEAR LESBIAN GRANDMAS ARE NICE. AND IF THAT IS THEIR CHOICE, WURD UP GRANNIES. WURD UP)

(AND LASTLY, LESBIANS ARE TYPICALLY WONDERFUL IN MY BOOK. AND TO MAKE THINGS CLEARER, IF MULLETS DON'T WORK FOR MEN, THEY CERTAINLY DON'T WORK FOR WOMEN. AND THANKS FOR BEING ON OUR CO-ED SOFTBALL TEAMS. STRAIGHT CHICKS ALWAYS HIT IN TO DOUBLES.)

Nuts and Colts Super Bowl Blog

2010-02-13T16:58:00.000-08:00

Here's a little ditty about a man named Peyton, and the horses he rode in on, The Indianapolis Colts of Indianapolis.

Lyrics underneath.

My wife moved out, she took the kids.
I'm probably never gonna getta see um again
I lost it all. Without a trace.
Sold the house so I didn't catch bullets to the face.

Why'd ya lose Colts? Why'd ya lose Colts?
My bookie's got me by my nuts and bolts.
Why ya lose Colts? The Super Bowl Colts?
Drive in to the river now I'm engulfed.

Now I'm drownin and I'm gonna die.
Run out of Oxygen I'll say goodbye.
What is that on the radio?
The Magic beat the Celtics I bet on that one too.

Way to go Magic, beatin the Celtics.
Gotta get out of the car before it submerges.
Way to go Magic, way to go Magic.
Now I'm a millionaire and it ain't so tragic.

Way to go, way to go, way to go.

ORLANDO!

Crap!

2010-02-13T02:31:00.000-08:00

I think I just poured way too much sugar in my Kool aid.

End result.

It all worked out.

-Cornelius

Sex Offenders? Where? Final Draft

2010-02-12T13:22:00.000-08:00

It goes unchallenged that everyone in the world has their own problems and obstacles they have to overcome to live. And under most circumstances every citizen is protected by constitutional rights. However, when it comes to the security of the general public, perhaps some people’s rights should be limited.

When a criminal is caught, he is charged and serves time or pays a fine. After his release, the whole incident is in the past. It can come up in the future, when trying to apply for work, but that may not be enough, especially for sex offenders. Sex offenders are a different type of criminal. They’re so different from other criminals, that when they are incarcerated the other inmates treat them worse, the red headed step child of correctional facilities all over the United States.

Sex offenders can go unseen like a chameleon amongst the public, and has every right to do so. With that freedom we give them a chance to perhaps commit the same crime, or one similar to it. It is easy to find sex offenders in your area by simply looking in the sex offender database on the internet. But not everyone has the internet at their fingertips, especially in shopping malls, city parks, and sporting events. It is surprising to see parents letting their kids out of their line of sight without deep concern over their children’s well being.

It is unsettling knowing people with a history of convictions for sexual violence are allowed in society. What is more unsettling is that many offenders repeat their actions when released. The Cleveland State University Journal of Law and Health states “sex offenders in general with more than one sex crime arrest were about twice as likely to be rearrested for another sex crime when compared to those with no prior sex crime arrests.”

If more strict limitations were set for violators of sexual abuse, we can control the safety of the general public, and only be worried about the ones who have yet to be caught. Sending them to an uninhabited island would be too easy of an answer, but to label them with a ‘scarlet letter’ would be a little more appropriate. In Ireland government officials are toying with the idea of adding GPS monitoring devices to sex offenders with a high risk of repeating their crimes.

How would we label these ex-cons with out tampering with their civil rights? Well, the only way to do it is to take away some of those civil rights, and replace them with the allowance of not spending life in a correctional facility. This land of the free that we live in works great on many levels, and it is about time we begin making the club a little more exclusive.

Sex Offenders? Where?

2010-02-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

Sex offenders are on the loose, and if you are paying close enough attention, they may be down your alleys, on your blocks, or in your sheets.

SEX OFFENDERS

Check out the ones near you. I once helped with the capture of a sex offender. Maybe you know one or two. Maybe they're sitting next to you in class, or on the bus.

Jerry

2010-02-10T12:49:00.001-08:00

Jerry is full of crap. The reach of his arms are shorter than mine, so I could probably beat him in a fight. He wears an Expos hat, but probably doesn't realize that they aren't a team anymore. And would probably say he hates the Nationals. Pretty unfair Jerry. Jerry's smug smile makes me want to impregnate his sister. If I had as many roofies as him I would put them in the swimming pool at Harmon Park while a group of Jerrys were swimming, making them all pass out and drown. I would not do what Jerry does, toss them in every sorority girl's drink before she can even tell him what her major is. At least he uses protection, when it is convenient. No one likes Jerry. It is too bad he shares his name with so many great people, Seinfeld, Stiller, Garcia, Ben and, and my Grandpa. Jerry is a douche.

Guess Who? Penguin!

2010-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Whoever has the best response to which Fine Arts Instructor looks most like Danny DeVito will get a special mention in a future blog of mine.

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Tired, Sick and Tired . . .

2010-02-04T00:30:00.000-08:00

Of porn cameramen not learning the ropes to shooting videos before making low grade films. Why do I have to sit through crumby angles and poor zooms just because the only kind of content I like is outlawed by commercial pornographers.

Is it so bad that a man likes livestock in his dirty movies? And is it so much for a young man to ask that the farmers who shoot and star in their pornos have a friend do the filming? Instead of having shaky, awful shots . . .

To hell with it,

I'm going back to only watching the Muppet Babies when I'm feeling frisky.

-Heliewood

Groundhog's Day

2010-02-02T11:01:00.001-08:00

has got to be the greatest day of the year.

This GH Day marks the 24th year I have been on this earth, and I have gained quite a bit of knowledge on this journey.

Here is a list of 24 landmark events. One for every year in my life.

1986 - 9 months after I was conceived in the bathroom at Coney Island in downtown Grand Island, I was born at St. Francis Hospital, where my father was watching the Bill Murray comedy Caddyshack. I was told it was a sign from God, that I, Cornelius Helie would be born on the day of the Groundhog, and all while a gofer was being michevious on a golf course.

1987 - My parents by this point were sick of me crying when Caddyshack, Stripes, and Little Shop of Horrors was not available on a nearby tv, so they put cartoons on. The cartoon I was soon obsessed with, was The Real Ghostbusters.

1988 - I began to love animals at this age, and in my heart I always felt a connection with Garfield the cat. More to be read on this subject to come.

1989 - Bill Murray stars in the 2nd Ghostbusters film. My life changed. I made my friends and family call me Venkman, and I battled marshmallows in my free time.

1990 - I took a trip to Wrigley Field in Chicago, where I saw Bill Murray sing 'take me out to the ball game.' I had a heart attack that day. (Dad gave me an Old Style and a dog)

1991 - At this point in my childhood I really began becoming a real human being. With emotions, and personality traits. You could say some of these traits were disorders, one being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I began counting my steps, prefferring things in evens over odds, and I would even count the amount of flakes in my fruity pebbles. This may or may not have had something to do with the release of 'What About Bob?'

1992 - In 1992 I became enthralled in sketch comedy, Saturday Night Live became an obsession of mine. I was writing my own sketches and acting them out, like SNL star William Murray.

1993 - Groundhog's Day, starring Bill Murray is released and quickly becomes my favorite movie of all time. My connection to the Murr-man gets stronger, more powerful.

1994 - This was the year I watched Ed Wood. I realized Tim Burton was a shitty director, and prayed B-Murr would stay out of his works from then on. No big deal.

1995 - I dressed as Venkman from Ghostbusters for Halloween. Kids told me I should have went as Stay Puft. I then found out about childhood obesity, and that I had it.

1996 - My love of sports grows as a ten year old. My sport of choice, the one that turns boys in to men, and girls in to men. BOWLING. With the release of the Farrely Brother's 'Kingpin,' my mind was made up, I must be a pro-bowler. HOWEVER, Bowling was pushed to the side, when the love a new sport came about.

Basketball . . . The glory, the balls, the boxing out with my rear end to grab a rebound. I loved the sport, mainly due to the fact that my favorite basketball player ever starred in a film with the Looney Toons. That man is known by one name and one name only, Air Murray. That's right, Bill Murray made Space Jam what is was. He killed in that flick.

1997 - I was 11 year old at this point in my life. Things were getting hectic, with the pressures of being a 4th grader and in Catholic school, always looking over my shoulder for priests . . .

To ease these nerves, I began imitating my hero, Bill Murray as Dr. Hunter S. Thompson in one of the greatest films ever, Where the Buffalo Roam. If it wasn't an ounce of marijuana here and there, it was a 8 ball of coke. If I wasn't eating acid like cheerios, I was hitting mescaline like Mike Tyson beating Peter McNeeley.

Me and my pal Gonzo went on crazy road trips to Vegas, where I shot firearms while drinking heevily.

1998 - Watched Rushmore, featuring The Murr-derer. This film boosted Murrays career, and my love for independant cinema.

1999 - Found a stray dog eating meatballs in an alley. Took it home and named her the Murr-maid. You know Bill Murray was in Meatballs, right? Not, just, a, coincidence.

2000 - My mom took my copy of Charlie's Angels away from me for using it for non-christian things. I was either snorting coke off of it, or using it for stress relief. You decide.

2001 - Perhaps you saw the Royals Tenenbaums? Well I did too.

2002 - Murr-maid gave birth to a litter of puppies. I kept each one. What are their names you ask . . .

Zissou
Garfield
Venky
Raleigh St. Claire
Bosley
Ernie McCracken
Greenskeeper Spackler
Meatball
Dr. Hunter
and Bill Murrphy.

2003 - Had a thing for Scarlett Johansson. It may or may not have had something to do with Bill Murray.

2004 - Bill Murr-buckle lends hs voice to the live-action Garfield movie. This completes my list of things a man must do to beat Christ in a coolness contest.

2005 - Murr-maid died after a long battle with drinking bongwater out of the toilet.

2006 - Tail of Two Kitties. Garfield is back!

2007 - I found out that Bill Murr and I have more in common than I thought when Murray was pulled over by the Stockholm police for suspicion of driving a golf cart while intoxicated.

2008 - It comes to my attention there will be a new Ghostbusters video game. Intense partying begins, as does my weight gain, acne problems, and of course bad luck of female callers.

2009 - Bill Murray makes a dope appearance in Zombieland with Woody Harrelson. Don't let me creep you out with this or anything, but I'm thinking Bill and I found our third . . . if you know what I mean . . .

GOLF, I'm Talking GOLF!!!

SICKOS!

and lastly,

2010 - I just realized my whole life has revolved around being a Bill Murray fan. This is depressing. I might kill myself.

Naw, I just heard there is going to be a Ghostbusters III. Sounds like something to live for.

-Heliewood

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Here's some shit for you guys to watch.

Taylor Swift: Puts the "_______" in Cuntry Music.

2010-02-01T14:28:00.000-08:00

I hope you don't get the wrong idea, I just want to communicate to the world her dirty, vulgar lyrics.

Ever since that one time I was at a dude ranch and beat that dead horse, I decided I would stop beating dead horses.

So I will give one example of how the Album of the Year Grammy winner Ms. Swift put a suggestive lyrics in her song "our song."

Read these lyrics out loud to yourself.

"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car."

This is the first line out of the hit song, and as you can see t implies that she is clearly having sex with a man, in the front seat of his car.

The lyrics continue . . .

put them together and you have a lyric about two people, feeling eachother up and getting busy.

I will now put these lyrics in to terms you may understand better.

"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. He's got a one hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heart.""

translates to

"I was riding your fallic device, with my hair dangling near my shoulders in the front seat of a gentleman's vehicle. One of his hands is placed on the steering wheel, (probably for leverage) the other on my heart (we all know when we tell a girl we want to feel her heart beat, we just want to squeeze her boob).

There it is folks. I know you're saying, "Cornelius, she was riding SHOTGUN. Shotgun means front seat." My response to you is, "yes, shotgun is the term generally associated with the front seat. However, her use of the words 'front seat of his car' negates that shotgun means front seat."

I guess I've still beaten this dead horse, so again, shotgun means penis, front seat of his car means front seat of his car. Taylor Swift is a pervert, and I would love for her to ride shotgun in the front seat of my car.

UPDATE: I forgot to include the actual meaning behind "I grabbed a pen and an old napkin and I wrote down our song." I will let you leave the truth behind that lyric up to you to figure out.

It takes a lot of work to be a cunning-linguist like myself.

This Killed me

2010-02-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

Check this link out.

See the similarities in pictures of Kermit the Frog and Christian Bale.

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/27350111.html?page=1

Sandpaper Condoms: Final Draft

2010-01-30T14:50:00.000-08:00

I may not be a law abiding citizen, but I've never been caught committing a prison-worthy crime. This means I have earned my right to watch cable television and work out anytime I want.

If prison is a place where we send people who deserve punishment, why do we allow them to work out and watch cable TV? I have to work 6 days a week to afford the luxury of cable, and if the taxpayers are cool with dropping money for prisoners to watch the Gosselins, then I think the rest of the public should get cable too.

In Oklahoma, over $28,000 is spent yearly on allowing cable in the common's area in their 17 prisons. Though the money is funded through their convenience store items, it is still money that could and should be given back to the taxpayers.

There's nothing I love doing more than working on my physical appearance, as you can tell. But believe it or not, if I had easier access to work out equipment maybe I would be able to run a little faster and jump a little higher, which would be nice. Instead I'm stuck trying to burn calories the old fashioned way, unprotected sex.

And don't even get me started on the luxuries inmates get with sexual intercourse. If they get all these freedoms and sex to boot, where is the justice? The only sex that should be allowed in prison is unwanted sex, involving Maude reruns and sandpaper condoms.

All we are doing is preparing the average criminal to get out of prison, beat all of us on Jeopardy because of the knowledge they get from television, and take our spots on basketball rosters from hooping it up all day. It is like we are giving them the necessities they will need to get better at crime and more physically powerful by allowing them to spend countless hours working out, IN THE SHADE OF ALL PLACES. Do you want your criminals pumping iron, working on hand eye coordination, and preparing themselves to hit the streets harder?

Is cruel and unusual punishment spending a large amount of time in jail? Or is it being on the outside, nonathletic, with a horrible sense of pointless trivia, and without the comfort of guaranteed shower sex. I just don't think I can handle life on the outside. Like Brooks in Shawshank, I question my place here on this earth.

Kevin Costner Roams the Floors . . .

2010-01-27T12:07:00.000-08:00

of Copeland Hall. Have you ever noticed this picture on the first floor of Copeland Hall? It looks suspiciously like Hollywood actor Kevin Costner.

I'm sure there is an explanation to who this gentleman really is. However, finding this out would mean I must do research, and it could very well not actually be Kevin Costner. If it is not a picture of him, and a picture of Randall P. Copeland I will be pissed, so even thinking about finding the real identity is out of the question for me.

Hanging out under the picture of the star from Waterworld is all I have to look forward to when I'm in school. I wonder sometimes if he's somewhere in a place of higher education staring at a picture of me.

If you know the truth, please keep it to yourself. Continue letting me think it is Kevin "Crash Davis" Costner, and bug off.

(un)Undone.

2010-01-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

After going through perhaps one of the most difficult times in their great careers, the members of the band Weezer are hitting the road again. In November a bus crash left frontman Rivers Coumo in a rough spot, having to cancel two months worth of shows.

This is especially exciting for me, being a HUGE Weezer fan. I caught their show in Denver in September, and seeing them live would have to be one of the best experiences of my life. Stealing the show probably wasn't what they had planned to do when they opened for Blink 182, but it was exactly what they did.

The return of Weezer on the road will only help sales of their seventh studio album entitled "Raditude." In the album Weezer collaborates with such artists as Lil' Wayne, The All-American Rejects, Jermaine Dupri, and Kenny G. You may pick up Raditude and the Weezer Snuggie at their website www.weezer.com. In honor of this wonderful news, I have posted below some of my favorite Weezer work. Enjoy, and remember . . .

It's not easy being Weez.

Facebook

2010-01-25T13:19:00.001-08:00

This is a little clip I took off facebook. I will continue to find humorous things to look at from this ridiculous website.

-Love, Cornelius.

Going Conan-do

2010-01-23T12:28:00.000-08:00

The following video is the last segment ever, on one of the greatest shows on television . . . EVER.

Last week we saw the end to what many believe was an all too short run for Conan O'Brien on the NBC Tonight Show. There has been worlds of talk about how this situation was handled, and it really is too bad the way things went down. But the real problem here is what all of us CONE-heads are going to do for seven more months without Conan. Last year, he had a short break while setting up his move to Los Angeles, and it was all to long.

Dammit, I thought that was going to be my last Conan gap for a long time. Late Night television is my favorite thing to watch and now I'm stuck with Jay Leno back in the bunch. Fortunately, with the exception of Carson Daly, evening programming is amazing. Although Leno was a great stand up comedian, his skills at hosting a humorous show have dwindled as the years have passed. If I had to guess why he had good ratings in recent years it is because of the geriatrics who watch his show don't watch it on the internet, like the thousands who regularly watch Conan, Jimmy Fallon, and Jimmy Kimmel.

Fallon, who took over Late Night last year will be NBC's big man soon, as he is hilariously funny, charming, and has great rapport with people in the industry as well as viewers. It will only be a matter of time until NBC figures out that Leno is over the hill, and they will be frantically searching for a shovel to dig themselves out of the hole.

As for the other night time talk show hosts such as the funny Scottsman Craig Fergusen, the legendary David Letterman, and portly humorist Jimmy Kimmel, be prepared to carry the weight that the Leno show will surely drop. Hell, maybe I should try to make my Night Time debut. That's is, I'm heading to H O L L Y W . . . OOOOOH, a delicious ring pop!

Lady Gaga Shot in the Head . . .

2010-01-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

. . . in this dream I had last night. I watched this video of her on the show MTV Boiling points and it must have lingered in my head when I fell asleep. Check the video out yourself.

This clip is proof that she is not the strange bird everyone thinks she is. She's just a normal good looking girl who just wants some good service.I think it is kind of a relief that she is not as odd as she says. I'm sure it will upset all of the girls and guys who are bat shit crazy about her, however, it needs to be known, that Lady Gaga is just the product of a record company who wanted a new star, so they created one.

Record Exec. - "So, Lady Gaga. You want to be a pop superstar? We'll start by you going on this MTV show, where you will pretend you get a cell phone call and things go awry . . . Over 3 years you will lose 25 pounds, surround yourself with fallic shaped devices, and then we will send you on tour. But only after you've liberated the she males of the United States."

The Dream:

Upset about her career as a unique pop star being in jeapordy, Lady Gaga decided she wanted to go out like a star does. So, as she sat on the toilet to die like Elvis, she put a shotgun to her head and capped herself like Kurt Cobain. It was kind of vulgar.

Droppin' Bombs Like Truman

2010-01-21T12:10:00.001-08:00

Watch the Lame Ducks video for their hit song "Droppin Bombs Like Truman.

To complete my blogs on presidents this week I would like to share with you the ones that I find most interesting.

Honorable Mention Gerald Ford.

Gerald Ford really didn't do a lot for this country. But how was he supposed to, the man was never even elected to an office. He is also the ONLY president who was born in Nebraska (though he would claim Michigan) and the ONLY president whose first and last name end in the letter D. Ford was not re-elected mainly to do with him pardoning Richard Nixon. I salute that choice and it has earned him honorable mention.

5th Dopest: Abraham Lincoln.

This man did some cool things involving emancipation. But come on, the coolest thing about him was his unusually skeaky and high voice. It took years for people to actually want to hear him speak. I once read a funny story about how a little girl wrote him a letter saying if he grew a beard he would receive more votes. Three weeks later he had his famous facial hair, and was on his way to becoming president.

4th Dopest: Richard Nixon.

Tricky Dick was a bad ass. He grew up in the same town as Nomar Garciaparra and was a college football player, much like Gerald Ford who was an all star athelete. Nixon may have cheated to win the White House in 1972 again George McGovern, but the truth is McGovern would not have beaten Nixon either way. This was the biggest landslide election since George Washington, and Nixon sneaking around Watergate would not have made a difference. Oh, and he ended the Cold War.

3rd Dopest: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
FDR was put 3rd on my list only because his wife Elanor Roosevelt was his cousin. Aside from that the man was an amazing president for over 12 years. He helped the United States through one of it's most difficult times all while keeping the fact he had polio and was confined to a wheelchair a secret from the masses. FDR died in office during his 12th year, and left Truman with the uneasy task of dropping the atomic bombs.

2nd Dopest: Theodore Roosevelt.

Teddy Bear was a "Rough Rider," a boxer, and one of the most hard core human beings to ever grace this earth. He was a tough as nails New Yorker who once got shot before a speech, and then finished the speech. He made his way in to office when McKinley was shot, and the world was concerned. However, Teddy and the big stick he carried did tremendous things for this country and earned a spot on Mount Rushmore, as well as getting his moniker stamped on the Teddy Bear.

1st Dopest: George Washington.

George Washington is on the dollar bill, he smoked pot, and he was an amazing soldier. Comparing Washington to any other president would be like comparing Steve Young to Joe Montana, Johnny Carson to Jimmy Fallon, or Jesus Christ to God. Washington understood democracy so well he refused to accept re-election more than once, and worked free of charge when in the White House.

Feel free to post your favorite presidents on here. I like feedback.

The rap video from above was written and produced by Cory Helie. The sweet raps that were being slain, were done by Trace Lewis and Cory Helie

Carry A Magic Stick

2010-01-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

Watch the video, and then learn something under it.

Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt in archival footage of a footrace in 1496 b.c.

Here's Fitty!

Two things I enjoy in my life very much are rap music and learning about the presidents of the United States. I would like to share with you some side by side comparisons of some of hip hop’s Warren G. Hardest rappers, and this country’s most gubernatorious presidents.

We could begin by getting the more obvious ones out of the way quickly. Barack Obama is like Eminem because of the color issues, Richard Nixon (who once said rap music could have been his calling if it was introduced sooner) is like gansgta rapper DMX for having growly voices, Snoop Doog and Abe Lincoln are both lanky individuals with unique voices and Tupac is much like John F. Kennedy, not for getting gunned down so early in their lives, but because of the many notable women that they slept with.

However the greatest resemblance between a president and rapper is the striking similarities between rapper 50 cent and the 26th president of the United States Theodore Roosevelt. Both born in New York, these two gentlemen took up boxing. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson spent time sparring when not selling crack on the strip in Queens, New York, while President Roosevelt took up boxing to keep his physical condition in good shape while battling with childhood asthma and other ailments.

Both Roosevelt and 50 Cent have respective posses who have received a bit of fame for being associated with them. Theodore’s Rough Riders charged up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill during the Spanish American War. Jackson’s G-Unit is a group of mix tape recording masters who sold drugs and start feuds with other rappers. Both mentored individuals who burned bridges with them. 50's G-Unit buddy The Game wouldn't agree to feuding with 50 Cents enemies, and Howard Taft and Roosevelt had a falling out which led Roosevelt to begin the Bull Moose Party. Both Roosevelt and Jackson also have similar nicknames. Theodore Roosevelt has often times been referred to as “Teddy,” and 50 Cent has the moniker of “Fitty.”

The most painful, unique and badass similarity between two of the greatest New Yorkers is the gunfire they have both been a part of. In 2004, Mike Tyson’s body guard, Darryl Baum allegedly shot Fitty nine times in different places all over his body at close range in front of his grandmother’s home. One of the bullets hit Jackson in the cheek, causing him to have a slur in his voice, which ended up helping him gain even more popularity.

Roosevelt had a similar situation happen to him while campaigning in Milwaukee in 1912; a saloon keeper shot the Teddy Bear in his chest after it passed through his speech and eye glass holder. Rather than getting medical attention for his wound, President Roosevelt went on to give the speech he had prepared, with both a bullet hole running through his speech, lodged in his chest. He opened his speech by saying “Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.” Roosevelt lived the rest of his life with that bullet lodged in his chest. And 50 Cent, although it has given him a unique voice with his slight slur, also has fragments of one of the bullets in his tongue, a bond that the two of them both share.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that 50 Cent would be a great politician, or that Theo could sling crack. But they are both incredibly strong individuals whose characteristics gained them fame and respect. Teddy Roosevelt coined a term that is synonymous with his ideals, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” refers to treating conflict with peace, while simultaneously threatening with force. 50 believes in the use of a stick too. And I believe, that if Teddy and Fitty ever would have met, the phrase would have simply said, “Speak softly and carry a magic stick.”

Be prepared for a BIG DOPE POST to follow this one tomorrow. Bombs will be dropped like Truman.

I tried

2010-01-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

to remember to fill this thing out after drinking and work. But it slipped my mind. It is funny how that works. You put all this time and effort in to a blog. Decide to work on it even more after drinking a bit, and then I forget to finish it off at 1 a.m.

How did that happen?

Oh, that's right. Hennessy makes you forget things.

-Cornado

So I guess this is what I'm gonna do . . .

2010-01-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

when I start drinking. I like to get drunk at one of my jobs and dang it, why shouldn't we just check out how I am doing by around 1:30 a.m. See you later, if I can remember . . .

-Corgazmo.

Martin Luther Coon Jr,

2010-01-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

It was Martin Luther King Jr. day and it started out just as any day would begin. I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered and got ready for work. I was listening to one of my favorite morning radio shows Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN Radio when I heard it. Mike Greenberg, let his tongue slip a little when he said Martin Luther Coon.
Greenberg immediately corrected himself and said Martin Luther King Jr. Many people are calling him out for being racist, while many others are backing him, and his tongue-tied excuse. It is hard to believe that a man who has always shown reverence when it comes to African Americans.
Greenberg has issued a statement claiming that his fast talking is the cause for the slip. Quite frankly, it makes absolute sense to me, especially since something similar has happened to me. It is not so uncommon for a radio host to slur words together and the outcome not work out so well. For example, I was once on air, speaking very quickly, when I slipped, saying “Call now if you want free movies for most of 2010, folks.” However, instead of saying folks, I spoke too quickly and said fucks. Luckily for me, no one in Nebraska seems to care about a vulgarity. Unfortunately for Greenberg, he happened to slip the word coon in when referencing a great man, on a day we should honor Dr. King. Hopefully, this will get resolved soon.

Click here for Huffington Post story.

Hello World

2010-01-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

Hello World. How goes it?